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New husband

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A lady was married to this brute of a man who always beat and kicked her. On top of all that, when they did have sex, it was no good. So, she decided she was tired of him and got a divorce.

A couple days after the divorce finalized she placed an ad in the paper that read: “WANTED. Husband that won’t beat me or kick me. “Good sex a must.”

A week or so passed and she finally gets a knock at the door. She goes to answer it only to find a man sitting in a wheel chair. She asks what he wants and he informs her that he will be her new husband.

“Well, you don’t have any arms.” she notices. “I can’t beat you then, can I?” he replies.

“And you don’t have any legs!” “SO! That only means I can’t kick you.”

She pauses for a moment and then asks, “Well what about the sex?” He answers confidently,

“How do you think I knocked on the door.”

Lunatic & his dog

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A doctor came to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In one of the rooms, he saw a man walking around, dragging a toothbrush on a leash.

The doctor asked the man: “What are you doing, walking the dog?”
The man replied: “Oh no, I’m just dragging my toothbrush on a leash.”

The doctor left the room amazed, thinking how many normal people end up in mental institutions…
And the man said to his toothbrush: “Ha, Fifi, we tricked him!”

A chase

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Robert A. Chase, 45, was charged with threatening an 11-year-old boy with a
knife in Madison, Wis. The boy was watching Chase play basketball with another
adult when the opponent accused Chase of “traveling” (taking steps without
dribbling the ball). To seek an impartial opinion, Chase asked the boy, but the
boy agreed that Chase had traveled. Chase then allegedly grabbed the boy, held a
knife to his throat, and asked, “Now. Did I travel?”

Me drunk?

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A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until
the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his
house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts
tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles
in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks
terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked
himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something
terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances,
and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was
hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife
came into the bedroom.

� Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said.

� Where’d you go?” “I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple
of beers.”

� A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied, “You got plastered last
night. Where the heck did you go?”

� What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”

� Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and
found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”

The Amputated P.O.W.

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An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot
all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, �Englander,
your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off.�
The English prisoner said, �Well, okay, but could you drop it over England
when you go bombing?�
The German replied, �Ya, that vill not be a problem.�
A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his
other arm off. The Englishman says, �Well, could drop it over England like you
did last time?�
�Ya, that vill be done,� says the German.
The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once
again the Brit says, �Well, could you do the same as before?�
The German replies, �Vhy, ya.�
The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. �Well,� begins
the Brit, �could you just…�
The German snapped, �No! We think you are trying to escape!�

Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks

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I won’t stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.
Let’s convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
Wanna come back to my room and see my 166mhz Pentium?
How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
You’re sweeter than glucose.
We’re as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.
Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?
Your body has the nicest arc length I’ve ever seen.
You’re hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!
My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

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10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn.”

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.

4. Your “Grandma” is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You’ve just seen the photos in the “BeaverHunt” section of the May (1927) issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for “doggystyle.”