Little Harley kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behaviour, Little Harley said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m very proud of that fact.” The teacher says, “If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?” Little Harley agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Harley dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.Harley was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Harley peeked up underneath her skirt.”No wonder you won!” he exclaimed indignantly, “you’ve got a Double-Barrel!”
Author: admin
Office Prayer
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those
people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be
careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I
may have to kiss tomorrow.
Airlines running operating systems
Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged–with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.
Special Olympics
What is better than getting a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
Having arms and legs.
First the Dodo died. Then Dodi died. After…
First the Dodo died. Then Dodi died. After that Di died followed by Dando. I bet Dido is crapping herself.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Burton!Burton who?Burton in
Knock KnockWho’s there?Burton!Burton who?Burton in the hand is worth two in the bush!
Yo mama…
The last time your mother saw a phone number it was on the scale.
Archeology
A team of archeologists were excavating in Israel, when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. The Star of David
They decided that this was a unique finding and that the writings were more than 3,000 years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and brought it to the museum, where archeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, “This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race, as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement, you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
“The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Further proof of their intelligence is the fish, which means that when they had a famine and could not grow food, they took to the sea for food.
“The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews.”
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
The president smiled and said, “I’m glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.”
Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, “I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. Everyone knows that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but from right to left. Look again… It says, HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by BreeBrown
Newlywed troubles
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. ”Father,” he said, ”I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.” His father replied, ”Don’t you love this girl?””Oh yes, very much,” he said, ”but you see, I have very smelly feet and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.””No problem,” said dad, ”all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed.” Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom.” Mom,” she said, ”When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful.””Honey,” her mother consoled, ”everyone has bad breath in the morning.””No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fianc�e will not want to sleep in the same room with me.” Her mother said simply, ”Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.””I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked. ”Not a word,” her mother affirmed. ”Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, ”What on earth are you doing?””Oh, my,” he replies, ”you’ve swallowed my sock!”
List of Funny Insults!
If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?
You’d make a lovely corpse!
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
You’re a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits…huh?
Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?
You love nature in spite of what it did to you?
I want to reach your mind – where is it currently located?
I wish I’d known you when you were alive.
If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner’s luck!
What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
You’re a mouse studying to be a rat.
Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.
Every time I’m next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.
I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.
Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.
Yes What?
World War III. The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.
Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied.
Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded: YES SIR!
English Patient
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital.
Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the
bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t remember slipping the note
into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and
immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something
he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER — GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!