How to Sell Lawnmowers

A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer
said he would teach him how to sell things. “Watch how I do it” he said to the
new hire as a man came up to the counter.

The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said
to him “You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you’re
going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass.” “You know,” said the man, “I
do need to get a new mower, sure I’ll take one.”

After the customer left, the new kid said, “I think I see what you mean. Let
me handle this next one.” A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a
box of tampons. The young salesman then said, “You know you should get you a new
lawnmower to go with that.”

The man then asked the young salesman, “What are you talking about?” “Well,”
he said, “It looks like your weekend’s shot so you might as well cut the
grass!”

The pop machine.

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

“Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?” She looked at him and indignantly replied: “Well Duhhh!, I’m still winning”

No, I don’t wanna go…

Early one morning, a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up, shaking him gently. “Wake up, Honey. It’s time to go to school.”

“But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school,” he whined.

“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school and maybe I’ll consider it,” she taunted.

“One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me,” he concluded.

“Oh! Those are not good reasons. Come on… get up. You have to go to school now.”

“Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?” he retorted.

“One, you are 52 years old, Honey. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL.”

A truck driver was doing

A truck driver was doing a cross country haul
and he hated [ethnics] with a passion. Every time
he saw an [ethnic] hitch hiking he would swerve
off the road and hit them.

This had gone on
for about 7 or 8 hours when he saw a pastor
hitch hiking. He had to pick him up but he
wondered what he would do about the blood, he
decided to not to make conversation of it and
picked up the pastor. Luckily enough the
pastor didn’t seem to notice.

About 20 minutes
later the truck driver spotted another
hitch hiker and thought “Maybe if I act
like I’m falling asleep at the wheel I can
swerve off the road and hit him”.

So he then
proceded to act like he was falling asleep
and swerve off the road. Two seconds later
he heard a loud thump and looked up excitedly
and said Did I get ’em!”

The pastor looked
up and said “No my son,
but I got him with the door.”

Old Man’s Favorite Prostitute

An old man went to a local bordello on Saturday night, the busiest night of the week. He asked for his favorite girl, but was told she was all booked up and wouldn’t be available for some time.”How about Molly or Sally or Denise?” the madam asked.”No,” he answered. “I want the girl I always get.””Okay, Gramps, then how about Cookie or Mindy or Lulu?””Won’t do,” he said.”Listen, Pops, what does this girl have that my other girls don’t?” asked the madam.The old guy sighed. “A lot of patience. An awful lot of patience.”