What do Michael Jackson and McDonald’s have in common? -They both like sticking their meat in 8-year old buns
Author: admin
THE YOUNG ATTORNEY ON VACATION
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at
this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the
innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his
suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with
an infant on her lap!
“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I
would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have
my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all
night talking’ and talking’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in
the family than a lawyer.”
A quote on marriage
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Woman’s thought
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free…….
You either married it or gave birth to it!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Measure Intelligence
Q: How do you measure a blonde’s intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Mommy and Daddy
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week and said, “Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and -”
The mother held up her hand and said, “Not another word! Wait until your father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”
The father comes home and the wife tells him that she’s leaving him.
“But why?” croaks the husband.
“Go ahead, Johnny, tell Daddy just what you told me.”
“Well,” said little Johnny, “I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!”
The lazy hubby
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It’s been flickering for weeks now.”
He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”
To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”
“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”
She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.”
He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”
She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”
The Leper
A leper walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a clod beer. The leper is sitting there, enjoying his beer, when he notices a man across the bar, staring at him, with an expression on his face like he is about to puke. The leper tries to ignore the man, and enjoy his beer, but the man keeps staring, and making faces. So finally, after suffering the man’s stares for long enough, the leper stands, and calls across the bar, “Hey man, what’s your problem?? I’m a leper, you know it, I know it, everyone knows it. I can’t help it. Why do you have to be such an ass?”. the man, with the same grossed out look on his face replies, “It’s not you, the guy behind you keeps dipping his chip in your neck!”.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Costa!Costa who?Costa lot!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Costa!Costa who?Costa lot!
The cross-eyed teacher
Little Sarah was telling her best friend Naomi that her teacher’s eyes are
always crossed.
�Why is that?� asked Naomi.
�Because she can�t control her pupils.�
Blow job
Two whales were swimming in the ocean when their mother saw a boat.
She said to her sons, “Boys, you keep your distance from them boats.”
Then, just as they were turning around, BANG! THUD, a harpoon went right into the side of the mother.
Several months later the son and his girlfriend were swimming around, when off in the distance they spotted the very same harpoon boat.
Thinking of his revenge the son said to his girlfriend, “If we swim up behind them we can blow water up on to the boat and sink it.”
She agreed and off they went.
BLOW SPURT, BLOW SPURT, and down it went.
Then, the son came up with another idea, “Look at the sailors, they�re swimming away, we can really get them back for Mamma’s death. Let’s eat them up.”
The girlfriend replied “Hey, I helped you with the blow job, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna swallow the seamen.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Government and the Love Bug
Q: “How is the government combating the ‘I Love You’ virus?” A: “The Justice Department wants to break it up into two separate viruses, ‘I Love’ and ‘You.'”