Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. — Rich Little
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London Seats
Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
A: Tell her all the seats that are going to London are in the middle row.
Scientists think that equations approximate…
Scientists think that equations approximate the real world.
Engineers think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection…
Q: How many philosophers
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Define “lightbulb”.
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
Jaimito corre a informarle a
Jaimito corre a informarle a la madre:
“Mam�, mam�, yo vi a pap� haciendo algo con la sirvienta”.
“S�, �y qu� m�s?”
“Bueno, �l la estaba besando y toc�ndola; luego fueron al despacho, la mont� en el escritorio, le quit� la ropa interior y le meti� el…”
“Bien, hijo, este domingo, en la cena familiar, se lo cuentas a todos para que lo sepan”.
Llega el domingo por la noche, toda la familia est� sentada dispuesta a cenar, y le dice la madre a Jaimito que lo cuente.
“Mi pap� estaba besando a la sirvienta y toc�ndola; luego se la llev� al despacho, la mont� encima del escritorio, le quit� la ropa interior y le meti� el… el… Mami, �c�mo se llama lo que t� le chupas al chofer?”
The Sheerist Underwear
Christmas was around the corner and a man wanted to give his
wife the perfect Christmas present for her. So he decided to go
to the Victoria’s Secret Store. When he got inside he asked the
lady at the desk “Can you bring out some sheer underwear, it
will be a present for my wife for Christmas.” So the lady
disappears into the back and comes out with some underwear. She
says to him “This underwear is $150 dollars.” “But I want
something sheerer, infact bring me the sheerest you’ve got.” the
man replies. The lady again goes into the back and comes back
with another pair of underwear. She says, “Sir, this is the
sheerest underwear we sell, it costs $300.” The man says,”Well I
guess I’ll have to buy it then.” He buys the underwear and
leaves.
Christmas rolls around, and he gives her the present. She
opens it up and says,”It’s perfect.” He tells her to go try it
on and he says,”I’ll be waiting on the bed for you.” She
disappears into the bathroom and try’s it on. She looks at it in
the mirror and says in her head, I cant even see the underwear
so might as well not even wear it.
So she walks out and see’s her husband on the bed bare ass.
He looks at her and says,”Geez you could of at least ironed it.”
He who hesitates is not
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
Potatos
A blone, a brunette, and a red head, were running from the cops so they run into this barn they see three potato sacks sitting on the ground so they each jump in one. then the cops come running in to the barn after them, and they see the sacks sitting there so they hit the first one with their knight stick it was the brunette she said “woof” so they would think it was a dog. the cops hit the next one it was the redhead “meow” the cops thought it was a cat. the proceded to the third one it was the blnde and she yelled “potatos”
4 Blondes
How do you get 4 blondes to sit on 1 chair ? Turn the chair upside down
Blonde swimming
There was a bloonde a redhead and a brunette, they each had to swim breast stroke across a 200 meter lake.
the redhead took 30 minutes,the brunette took 45 minutes and the blonde took 2 hours.
when they meet up at the finish line they asked the blonde why she took so long and the blonde replied ” you guys cheated you used your arms”.
Drunk Nuns
These two nuns walk into a liquor store one evening just before closing time. They select a cheap bottle of brandy from the shelf and attempt to check out when the clerk begins hesitating. “Excuse me sisters”, he says shyly, “but I don’t normally sell alcoholic beverages to nuns.” It’s perfectly okay they reassured the clerk,” this is strictly for medicinal purposes.” “Very well” said the clerk, “that will be $6.50” The nuns thanked him and were on their way.About twenty minutes later, as the clerk is locking the front door, he notices the two nuns staggering down the street, obviously drunk. He approaches the two and in a very stern voice says “I am ashamed of you two! You lied to me and told me that the brandy I sold you was for medicinal purposes only, and just look at you now!”To this the nuns replied “Don’t feel bad kind sir, we did not lie to you . You see the Mother superior has been constipated lately and when she sees us, she is going to SHIT!”