For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”
Author: admin
The Golfers
One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday. “9.30 okay?”
George said, “Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.”
The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.
They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said, “Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.”
The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again. “Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday?” one of the foursome asked.
George said, “Sure if I�m ten minutes late�”
Another golfer jumped in. “Wait a minute� You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you�re always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.”
George said, “Well, that�s true � I�m superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she�s sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.”
“What if she�s lying on her back?”
George said, “That�s when I�m ten minutes late!”
Speech Problem
There is a man named Jon and he has a speech problem and
sometimes what he wants to say doesn’t come out the way he wants
it to.
So one Saturday afternoon he decides he needs to do some
shopping! So he goes to the grocery store and says: “Can I have
some bum?”
The store clerck replies: “What?”
Jon says again:”Some bum!”
The store clerck then says: “Sir if this is you idea of a joke
then I’m gonna call the police!”
Jon argues: “No,no some bum!” and points to the gum
The store clerk is quick to apologize and lets Jon have the gum
for free.
Jon then goes to the hardware store and asks:”Can I have a
fuckit?”
“Excuse me sir?” replies the clrek
“You heard me a fuckit!” and he points to the bucket
“Oh so sorry, it’s on the house”, the clerk says
Jon then relizes the one thing he could use in life would be a
dog and he goes to the pet shop, so he goes in and says:”Can I
have a cock and spank it?”
“A what asks the shopkeeper?”
“A cock and spank it!” and annoyedly points to the cocker spaniel
“O of course sir, 100 dollars”
So Jon buys the dog.
On Jon’s way home his new dog escapes and hurriedly looking for
help he sees an old lady sitting on the curbside waiting for
someone. Jon goes up to her and says:”Excuse me could you hold
my bum and fuck it while I go find my cock and spankit!”
Lawyers and god
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
Missing Sex with Ex
A young man was dumped by his girlfriend and he was so upset he moved to the country where his uncle owned a sheep farm. One weekend, the uncle left the boy alone to attend the farm himself. Early the first morning, the boy walked up, craving sex. He had not had sex in so long, since his girlfriend broke up with him. While trying figure out a way to get rid of his erection, He walked out of the house and saw the sheep in the field. Suddenly, he got a wonderful idea and started to run down to the sheep, unbuttoning his pants as he went. Then, the sheep dog cut him off, growling and barking. The dog would not let him pass and get to the sheep. The boy gave up and went about his chores. The next day, the boy woke up and tried to sneak down to the sheep. But the dog once again would not let him get rid of them. Then, the third day, the boy heard someone screaming for help. He went down to the pond and saw a beautiful women drowning in the water. He dove in and saved her life. When she caught her breath, she told him, “you saved my life. To repay you, I’ll do anything for you, anything at all.” So the boy thought for a second, noticing how beautiful the women was while thinking how horney he was. So, the man told her, “OK, if you’re sure that you’ll do anything…follow me.” He took her hand and lead her up to the farm. He took her hand, looked into her beautiful eyes and asked, “would you mind holding this dog for me?”
Punctuation
A COLLEGE professor wrote the words:
“A woman without her man is nothing” on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of the males in the class wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”
All the females in the class wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”
Punctuation….powerful tool.
Snails
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some
important guests. The wife was very excited about this and
wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any
snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run
down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the
door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
strolling alongside the water just a little further down the
beach.
He kept thinking to himself, “Wouldn’t it be great if she would
even just come down and talk to me?” He went back to gathering
the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was
standing right over him. They started talking and she invited
him back to her place. They ended up spending the night
together.
At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh
no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!”
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his
bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way
to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was
in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he
dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just
then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering
where he’s been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at
her, then back at the snails and said, “Come on guys, we’re
almost there!!”
Naval Surgeon
“What kind of job do you do?” a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment.
“I’m a naval surgeon,” he replied.
“Goodness!” said the lady, “How you doctors specialize these days!”
The Supreme Court ruled that there cannot…
The Supreme Court ruled that there cannot be a nativity
scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas.
This isn’t for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the
Nation’s capitol.
There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.
A President In Love
To the tune of Dion’s “A Teenager in Love” Last night we had a quarrel
Over a cute little tart
‘Cause I lost my head
From the very start. Every night I think Ken Starr’s heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?! One day I loved old Hillary
Next day I was a cad
Guess I’m just a rake
A fun lovin’ happy lad. Every night I think Ken Starr’s heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?! The dress was smeared
The blouse was too
I’ll be a happy man
If Monica says I do. Every night I think Ken Starr’s heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?! If you wanna have sex with me
I’d like to do it too
And if you want to tell a lie
I’ll just go and pardon you. Every night I think Ken Starr’s heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?!
Barber shop
This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
‘How long before I can get a haircut?’
The barber looks around the shop and says,
‘About two hours.’
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
‘How long before I can get a haircut?’
The barber looks around at his shop full of customers and says,
‘About two hours.’
The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
‘How long before I can get a haircut?’
The barber looks around the shop and says,
‘About an hour and a half.’
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says,
‘Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.’
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks,
‘Bill, where did that guy go when he left here?’
Bill looks at him and says,
‘To your house.’
Baseball
Two boys were playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog’s collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog’s neck and stopping the attach.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal…” he starts writing in his notebook. “But, I’m not a Bruins Fan”, the little hero replied. “Sorry, since we’re in Boston, I just assumed you were”, said the reporter and starts again. “Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack…” he continues to write in his notebook. “I’m not a Red Sox fan either!” The boy said. “I assumed everyone in Boston was either a Bruins or Red Sox fan. So, what team do you root for? the reporter asked. “I’m a Yankees fan!” the child beamed. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: “Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet”.