If a computer beeps

*File Description: If a Computer Beeps and There is No One Around…* An *actual* bug report (from a friend at Microsoft).Bug # Status Title 5143 ACTIVE “Build done” signal makes no sound============ ACTIVE – 01/30/95 – MIKEBLAS ====================Visual C++ makes an audible signal when a build completes. When no developer is in the room, this signal doesn’t make a sound. To reproduce:1) Start a build. 2) Leave the room. 3) Note that the chime does not make a sound.We should find a way to make the build bell make a sound even if nobody is there to hear it.This philosophical issue may need program management’s attention before being resolved.============ ASSIGNED to MATTHEWT – 01/30/95 – SCOTF =========Can we use the telepathy support in Win95 to contact whomever is logged into the machine doing the build? Maybe we should just detect when the developer is leaving the room and prompt for a phone number where s/he can be reached.How about disabling leaving the room during a build?============ RESOLVED – BY DESIGN – 01/31/95 – MATTHEWT ====== ============ ACTIVE – 02/01/95 – MARKLAM =====================Actually, we can’t do this either. The problem is that while you’re out of the room your build is neither finished nor unfinished. It stays in a state of flux until you return and collapse the quantum uncertainty by observing it.Perhaps we could link the build finished event to a cat in a box?============ ASSIGNED to HEISENBERG – 02/01/95 – MARKLAM ===== ============ RESOLVED – NOT REPRO – 02/03/95 – HEISENBERG ====I cannot repro this. I tried standing just outside my door and it made the beep. Do I have to go further from my office? Would the mailroom do?============ ACTIVE – 02/03/95 – MIKEBLAS ====================The relative position of the mailroom and your office are relatively uncertain to me, Doctor.Please try again:1) start a build 2) leave your office 3) go down the hall 4) wait until you don’t hear the beep 5) return to note that the build is doneI think this is how I first repro’ed the problem, but I can’t remember what I was doing to make it happen.The idea of disabling leaving the room might be the best possible solution, I think. When a build starts, the IDE should pop up a message that says “There are no more Fritos” or “The kitchen has closed early” or “The bathroom is being cleaned” so the developer will not be tempted to get up and wander around.With minimal rebuild in place, we should consider diversions that won’t take as long to remedy: “You’re expecting a phone call” or “Someone will stop by to see you soon”.We need to think of messages that are easy to localize for VC++3.0J.============ ASSIGNED to MIKEBLAS – 02/13/95 – MARKLAM =======To do this we’ll need to avoid messages about the bathrooms and vending machines for external releases. Perhaps some customer research is needed to find out exactly *why* Visual C++ users leave their keyboards.Some suggestions (including MB_ types) Get a drink : (i) You’re out of coffee (i) You’re out of tea (i)(i) YYoouuvv”ee hhaadd eennoouugghhGet something to eat : (?) You have no food, remember /! You need to lose weight, fatso. Sit your ass downExercise etc : (?) Did You Know – sunlight causes skin cancer (i) With a Nordik Trak you can get a workout in front of your monitor. Call for home delivery. /! I didn’t mean that about your weightSee family : (i) They already know you love them /! They’ll only want money for something /! Your in-laws have arrivedCall of nature : This could be difficult. Consider supplying bed-pan or similar.============ ASSIGNED to MIKEBLAS – 02/13/95 – MARKLAM ======= ============ ASSIGNED to MIKEBLAS – 02/16/95 – HEISENBERG ====I attempted to repro this once more:I placed my machine in the forest at the edge of the campus. I started a ‘rebuild all’ and ran out of the forest towards my mailroom. My build normally takes 3 minutes. After 5 minutes I had not heard anything, so I returned to my machine. Unfortunately a tree had fallen on it. I had not heard that, either.

Cards You Won’t Find At Hallmark

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:…………. What was I thinking?”

“Congratulations on your wedding day!…………. Too bad no one likes your wife.”

“How could two people as beautiful you………… have such an ugly
baby?”

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love……… After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life……….. I never
believed in Hell until I met you.”

“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am……. that you’re not
here to ruin it for me.”

“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!………. I never knew what evil was before this!”

“Before you go,……… I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

“Someday I hope to get married………… but not to you.”

“You look great for your age…….Almost Lifelike!”

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me……… Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend……. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

“We have been friends for a very long time……….. What do you say we call it quits?”

“I’m so miserable without you……………… It’s almost like you’re here.”

“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…………… Did you ever
find out who the father was?”

“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday——— So we’re having you put to sleep.”

A Message to the President

President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining, the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered WhiteHouse lawn and sees the words “President Clinton sucks” written in pee in the snow.

Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn’t care what it takes but he wants to know who did this. The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news.

“OK,” says Clinton, “give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news.”

The Chief says: “The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is.”

Clinton nods and the Chief continues: “The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore.”

This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news.

The Chief of Security swallows and says, “It’s in Hilary’s hand writing”.

The Top 14 Things Overheard at the White House Thanksgiving Dinner

14> “And I would like to begin the annual Thanksgiving toast, Mr. President, by recounting the words of one of my favorite Jewish Country and Western songs…”

13> “Mr. President, you’re drinking the gravy again.”

12> “And now for the stuffing… hey! Who put a cigar in there?!? This is NOT funny!!”

11> “I’ll be back in a minute, Honey. I’m just going to offer the intern a little stuffing.”

10> “Roasted turkey!? Dammit, is the deep fryer broken again?”

9> “Man! Who are those hot young babes who came in with Gore and his wife?”

8> “Oh, come on, Al — you did *not* invent Thanksgiving.”

7> “God, I’d be thankful if HE were de-boned.”

6> “I did not have seconds of that dish… mashed potatoes.”

5> “Pssst… Monica, we don’t kneel to say grace.”

4> “God is great, God is good.

Oh, my God, I’ve sprouted wood.”

3> “It would not be an unforeseen event for the dryness quotient of my slain meat product to be so elevated at to suggest artificial moistening as a direction in which we may eventually want to move. Then again, if…”

“Would someone just pass Greenspan the friggin’ gravy already?!?”

2> “I’m sorry, Mr. Starr, no one here knows the Heimlich maneuver.”

1> “Pay attention, Bill: Here’s a little carving trick I learned from Lorena Bobbitt.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]