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Doris and Fred

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Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to
raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their
terrace house. After a few days, a young attractive woman
applied for the room and explained that she was a model working
in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she
would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for
the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed to
start straight away.

“There’s just one problem,” explained the model. “Because of my
job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don’t
have a bath. ” “That’s not a problem,” replied Doris. “We have a
tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room
in front of the fire and fill it with hot water.” “What about
your husband?” asked the model. “Oh, he plays darts most
weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings,” replied Doris.
“Good,” said the model. “Now that’s been settled, I’ll go to the
studio and see you tonight.”

That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris
prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model
stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she has no
pubic hair. The model noticed Doris’ staring eyes, so she smiled
and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself,
especially when modeling swimmer or underclothes.

Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does
not believe her. “It’s true, I tell you!” said Doris. “Look, if
you don’t believe me, tomorrow night I’ll leave the curtains
slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself.”

The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath
for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris
stood behind her. Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed
towards the model’s naked pubic Area. Then she lifted up her
skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. “Well, do you
believe me now?” she asked Fred. “Yes,” he replied. “I’ve never
seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your
skirt and show yourself?”

“Just to show you the difference.” answered Doris. “But I guess
you’ve seen me millions of times.” “Yes,” said Fred, “I have –
but the rest of the dart team hadn’t.”

A Man and 3 Priests

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A man walks into a department store and needs to get to the bathroom, located in the back of the store. He decides to get there by going down the first aisle he sees. He starts to turn the corner when he sees a priest just standing there, staring. He thinks this strange, but decides not to disturb the priest. The man decides to go down the next aisle, but again, finds another priest standing there staring. He thinks nothing of it and proceeds to the next aisle. When he gets to the third aisle, there is again another priest. The man, now curious as to what is going on, decides to venture down the aisle. When he gets half way down, he reads a sign.”Boys Pants, Half Off”

I’d Love to But

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  • I want to spend more time with my blender.
  • The man on television told me to say tuned.
  • It wouldn’t be fair to the other Beautiful People.
  • I’m building a pig from a kit.
  • I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.
  • There’s a disturbance in the Force.
  • I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
  • I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
  • I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
  • I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
  • My plot to take over the world is thickening.
  • I have to fulfill my potential.
  • It’s too close to the turn of the century.
  • I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
  • I changed the lock on my door and now I can’t get out.
  • I’m uncomfortable when I’m alone or with others.
  • I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
  • I’m trying to be less popular.
  • I have to study for a blood test.
  • I have to rotate my crops.
  • I prefer to remain an enigma.
  • I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in…

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A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City
restaurant and
notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously
masturbating. She says, “What the hell do you guys think you are
doing?” One
of the Japanese men says, “We are all berry hungry.” The waitress
says, “So
how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that
situation?” One of
the other businessmen replies, “Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST
SERVED.”

the time-telling gong

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while Adam was proudly showing off his apartment to some friends
late one night, he led the way to his bedroom, where a big brass
gong was sitting. “What’s that big brass gong for?” asked one
of his friends.

“Why, that’s the talking clock,” Adam replied.

“Oh, how does it work?” Adam’s friend questioned.

“Just watch,” Adam said, giving the gong an ear-shattering hit
with the gong handle. Suddenly, someone on the other side of
the wall screamed, “For God’s sake! you asshole! it’s 4:00 am
in the freaking morning!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lawyer’s Dog

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A lawyer’s dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?””Absolutely,” the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, “Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.”The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.The contents read “Consultation: $25.00.”

20 Golfing Laws

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LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and a tax agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day