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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said…
‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”
what do you get if you cross michael jackson with arnold swazanegger
michael wazanegger
Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a ‘get acquainted’ tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!
That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. “Just think,” he said, “when I am President, I’ll have my own personal gold urinal!”
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President’s private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, “Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone.”
It’s April first and a guy is sitting in the hospital
waiting for his wife to have their child. The nurse comes
out and tells the man there have been some complications
and it will take longer than expected.
Five hours later
the nurse comes out holding his baby. He gets up and exclaims
“Can I hold my child?” When he is just reaching for the baby
the nurse grabs the kid by the leg and starts swinging him
around the room; smashing his bloodied body on the floor.
She then rips off his arm and procedes to beat the childs
face into a twisted bloody pulp. Then she slams the baby
in the door until his body is almost cut in half.
The man runs over and shouts, “What the fuck are you doing to my baby!”
The nurse simply says,”April fools it was already dead.”
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he writes in his notebook. “But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replies.”Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were,” says the reporter.”Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he writes in his notebook. “I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy says. “I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asks. “I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet”.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a Push. “Not a chance,” says the husband, “It is three o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife. “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!” says the husband.
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man agrees, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!” replied the drunk.
Yo mama’s so fat she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.
why did snow white get kicked out of disneyland?
she pulled down her knickers sta on pinocchios nose and told him to lie!
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:
Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”
Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”
Problem #1: “#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”
Solution #1: “#2 Propeller seepage normal.”
Problem #2: “#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.”
Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”
Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”
Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”
Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”
Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”
Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution: “Live bugs on order.”
Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”
Problem: “IFF inoperative.”
Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”
Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”
Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”
there was a popular girl at school and she wanted to have sex.so she asked a boy there if he would his name was jhonny humper harder,so he said yes.when he started humping her his mom walked in”jhonny humper harder!”she scolded. the rest of his family walked in and did the same.he said”if i hump her any harder my penis will itch.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Vassar girl!Vassar girl who?Vassar girl like you doing in a place like this?
Bill Gates goes to Heaven, and St. Peter meets him at the gates. “Welcome
to Heaven Bill, you’re the big computer tycoon, so would you like to run
our computer system?” “Sure,” Bill says, “wow, this rilly is Heaven!”
Peter takes Mr. Gates to a vast computer lab. Bill takes a closer look to
see that it is one gigantic bank of Macintoshes. “These aren’t IBM’s,”
exclaims Bill. “What did you expect,” says St. Peter, “this is Heaven.”