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16> The only people involved with the show who are wearing enormous, feathered headdresses are the lighting guys.15> Audience members are clamoring for you to sing something from “back when you didn’t suck.”14> Crowd cheers wildly at the sudden appearance of Blue Man Group.  The problem is that you’re with Cirques du Soleil and those are actually the Amazing Plastic-Bag-on-the-Head-for-Too-Long Brothers.13> Distracted by some cherries jubilee, Ann-Margaret bites a waiter in the jugular during her “Kitten With a Whip” routine.12> The mob, not caring for “Johnny Wallenda’s Italian Humor Revue,” relocated your show to the hotel roof and renamed it “The Flying Wellenda — One Night Only!”11> No matter how many times you count, there is still an *odd* number of breasts on stage.10> After removing the blindfold, you notice that the front-row patrons aren’t covered with bits of watermelon, but with turtle guts.9> As if it weren’t bad enough that your big-budget, three-act extravaganza was written and directed by the Wachowski brothers, Keanu is your lead dancer.8> Danny Gans is ill and his stand-in, Danny Glans, is doing his impression of a snail in a German army helmet.7> Your “Lena the Stripper Magician” act leaves you precious few places to secrete the disappearing doves.6> You just don’t understand why sales for your “Bob Hope/Art Carney/John Ritter New Year’s Eve Comedy Spectacular” aren’t booming.5> A slight scheduling mixup results in Lennox Lewis’ 10-second knockout of Meat Loaf.4> A berserk Penn Jillette is dragging you across the stage by your throat and you can’t scream without breaking character.3> You ate an apple too close to show time, and people did *not* pay to see Celine Dion look like a snake that just ate a pig whole.2> Thanks to your hair-lipped costume designer, the chorus girls showed up with pastries on their breasts.1> “For my next trick, I’ll need a volunteer from the audience! You… yes, you, sir… come right up here on stage. What’s your name?”    “Attorney General John Ashcroft.”             [  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]             [   Copyright 2003 by Chris White    ]