Wendy Tatoo

Poor Billy is dating a rich girl and has no idea what to give her for her birthday, (as she has everything) as he tells of his dilema to his friend, his friend suggests that he tatoo her name on his sex organ. Billy goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the man her name is Wendy.

When finished he looks down and sees. . “W Y” and says “Hey I said her name was Wendy”

Man says “Don’t worry shake it.” . . . He does, . . and voila!- Wendy.

He ties a ribbon on it and presents it to his girl. . . she is so happy that she invites him on a Carribean cruise.

While in port at Jamaica in a disco he goes to the bathroom. While at the urinal a tall Jamaican stands next to him glances down sees “W Y” and says “W Y, huh?”

Billy says oh! its my girlfriend’s name, look (shakes it. . . Wendy)

Jamaican says: “Ah good show man, Wendy, very nice.”

Billy looks at the Jamaican and notices his organ also says “W Y”.

Billy says: “Hey, wait a minute, yours says Wendy too?”

“Ah no man. Mine says “Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day.”

Sex in the dark

Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband’s insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp….. only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

“Is THIS what you’ve been using on me for the past 5 years!?!”

“Honey, let me explain!”

“Why you sneaky bastard!” she screamed. “You impotent son of a –“

“Speaking of sneaky!” he interrupted, “maybe you’d care to explain our 3 kids!!!”

Deathbed Confessions

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.

“Jake,” she said.

“Hush,” he quickly interrupted, “don’t talk.”

But she insisted. “Jake,” she said in her tired voice. “I have to talk. I must confess.”

“There is nothing to confess,” said the weeping Jake. “It’s all right. Everything’s all right.”

“No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you.”

Jake stroked her hand. “Now, Becky, don’t be concerned. I know all about it”, he sobbed. “Why else would I poison you?”

3 chances

Charlie and Audrey are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

Charlie says to Audrey, “Audrey, I was wondering, have you ever cheated on
me?”

Audrey replies, “Oh Charlie, why would you ask such a question now? You
don’t want to ask that question…”

“Yes, Audrey, I really want to know. Please…”

“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times…”

“Three? Well, when were they?” He asked.

“Well, Charlie, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted
to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and
signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”

“Oh, Audrey, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do
such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?”

“Well, Charlie, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were
needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then
remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery
himself, and then you were in good shape again?”

“I can’t believe it! Audrey, you should do such a thing for me, to save my
life. I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must
really love me darling. I couldn’t be more moved. So, all right then, when
was number 3?”

“Well, Charlie, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?”

Posthumous bj

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes
home. One day she picked up the urn he was in, and poured him out on the coffee
table.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes.
She said, “You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?” She answered by
saying, “I bought it with the insurance money!”

She then said, “Irving, remember that new car you promised me?” She answered
again saying, “Well, I bought it with the insurance money!”

Then she said, “And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of
the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn’t afford?” Once more
she answered saying, “Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love
living here�.

Still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that blow
job I promised you? Here it comes …”

No More Baby Talk!

On the first day of school, a 3rd grade teacher told her class: “Now that you are grown up, I don’t want to hear anymore baby talk. I’d like each of you to tell us what you did during the summer vacation. We’ll start with Billy.”
Billy: I went on a long trip with my family in the putt-putt.

Teacher: No, Billy, it’s not a putt-putt. It’s a car. No more baby talk. Sally, you’re next.

Sally: We went on a trip on a choo-choo to see Grandma.

Teacher: Sally, it’s not a choo-choo. It’s a train. Please no more baby words. Mikey, what did you do?

Mikey: I didn’t go anywhere. I stayed home and read my favorite book.

Teacher: And what’s the name of the book.

Mikey looked embarrassed and shook his head.

Teacher: Come on, Mikey. You’re a big boy now. Tell us the name of the book and don’t use any baby talk.

Mikey looked up, blushed, and said: O.K. ….. Winne-the-Shit!

The Man Sun Tanning

There was a man reading a newspaper and sun tanning on the
beach, in the nude. Then he saw a little girl walk towards him
so he put the newspaper over his dick.

The little girl said “what do you have under that newspaper.”

The man said “I have a bird under this newspaper.”

The girl said “ok” and left

The man decided to take a nap, he woke up in the hospital.

The doctor asked him “do you remember anthing”

The man said ” the last thing I remember was a little girl
asking me a question.

They find the little girl and asked her what she did.

She said ” Well the man said he had a bird so I started to play
with it, then it spat at me, so I snapped his neck cracked its
eggs and set its nest on fire

By M.J

Braggadocio

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.

“My son,” the first one says, “started out washing cars at dealership, but now
owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his
choice!”

“My son,” said the second, “started out serving lunch in a real estate office,
but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new
mansion!”

“My son,” said the third, “started out sweeping the floors at the Stock
Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his
friends a $1,000,000 in stock.”

“Well,” the fourth guy said, “my son’s turned out to be a bit of a
disappointment. He’s a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the
plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million
dollars in stock for his birthday.”