Author: admin

Wake me up…

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On a bus station, an old lady got into a bus and said to the driver,
“Sonny boy, I think I’m going to fall asleep during this long bus ride.
Can you wake me up when we get to New York?” The Driver replied, “Sure
thing.” But later he forgot all about the old lady and only when he went 3
hours past New york he remembered that he had to wake her up. He felt
really sorry for the old lady so he decided to go all the way back to New
York and wake up the old lady and pretend like nothing happend. Even when
all the other passengers disagreed the driver didn’t change his mind.

Finally when they got to New York. He woke up the old lady and the old
lady got up, looked inside her bag, took out a pill and ate it. Then she
said, “Thank you sonny boy! I always forget to take my medication in
time!” and went back to sleep again.

Baby on the Way

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For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

Baseball

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Two boys were playing hockey on the pond on Boston Common, when one is attacked by a vicious Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy took his hockey stick and managed to wedge it down the dog’s collar and twist, luckily breaking the dog’s neck and stopping the attach.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Bruins Fan Saves friend from Vicious Animal…” he starts writing in his notebook. “But, I’m not a Bruins Fan”, the little hero replied. “Sorry, since we’re in Boston, I just assumed you were”, said the reporter and starts again. “Red Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific attack…” he continues to write in his notebook. “I’m not a Red Sox fan either!” The boy said. “I assumed everyone in Boston was either a Bruins or Red Sox fan. So, what team do you root for? the reporter asked. “I’m a Yankees fan!” the child beamed. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: “Little Bastard from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet”.

Missing Sex with Ex

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A young man was dumped by his girlfriend and he was so upset he moved to the country where his uncle owned a sheep farm. One weekend, the uncle left the boy alone to attend the farm himself. Early the first morning, the boy walked up, craving sex. He had not had sex in so long, since his girlfriend broke up with him. While trying figure out a way to get rid of his erection, He walked out of the house and saw the sheep in the field. Suddenly, he got a wonderful idea and started to run down to the sheep, unbuttoning his pants as he went. Then, the sheep dog cut him off, growling and barking. The dog would not let him pass and get to the sheep. The boy gave up and went about his chores. The next day, the boy woke up and tried to sneak down to the sheep. But the dog once again would not let him get rid of them. Then, the third day, the boy heard someone screaming for help. He went down to the pond and saw a beautiful women drowning in the water. He dove in and saved her life. When she caught her breath, she told him, “you saved my life. To repay you, I’ll do anything for you, anything at all.” So the boy thought for a second, noticing how beautiful the women was while thinking how horney he was. So, the man told her, “OK, if you’re sure that you’ll do anything…follow me.” He took her hand and lead her up to the farm. He took her hand, looked into her beautiful eyes and asked, “would you mind holding this dog for me?”

Taking Temperature

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This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.

“This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor,” he said, “Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy.”

“We’ll see,” the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.

The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.

“Doctor, what are you doing?!?” he asked.

Flustered, the therapist replied, “Oh, it’s you!
I’m only taking your wife’s temperature!”

The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately on his sleeve. “Well, doc,” he said, “when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!”

Thermos

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A blonde woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, “What is that?”
The store clerk responds, “It’s a thermos.”

The blonde then asks, “What does it do?”

The clerk says “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” So she buys one.

The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, “What is that shiny object?”

She replies “It’s a thermos.”

He asks, “What does it do?”

She says, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

He then asks, “What do you have in there?”

“Two cups of coffee and a popsicle.”

A President In Love

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To the tune of Dion’s “A Teenager in Love” Last night we had a quarrel
Over a cute little tart
‘Cause I lost my head
From the very start. Every night I think Ken Starr’s heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?! One day I loved old Hillary
Next day I was a cad
Guess I’m just a rake
A fun lovin’ happy lad. Every night I think Ken Starr’s heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?! The dress was smeared
The blouse was too
I’ll be a happy man
If Monica says I do. Every night I think Ken Starr’s heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?! If you wanna have sex with me
I’d like to do it too
And if you want to tell a lie
I’ll just go and pardon you. Every night I think Ken Starr’s heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?!

Blowjob

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A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a
date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand
and says to her, “How about a blowjob?”

“What! Are you crazy!”

“Don’t worry, it will be quick, ” he ensures his girlfriend.

“No! Someone might see us…”

“It’s just a small blowjob, ” he insists, “and I know you like it.”

“No! I said no!”

“Baby… don’t be like that.”

“Come on baby pleeeeaassseee”

“I’m not going to give you a blow job”

“Why Not…baby it will be quick I promise?”

Suddenly, the girl’s younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown,
with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, “Dad
says either you blow him, I blow him, or he’ll come downstairs and blow the guy
himself… but for God’s sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the
intercom.”

WHAT’S FOR DINNER?

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Once a young boy was watching his mother take a bath. As she got out to dry
off, he notices her upper torso he asks, “Momma, what are those?”
She replies, “Son, those are my breasts.”
As she turns he back to him he asks, “Momma, what is that?”
She replies, “Son that is my derriere.”
As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether region and asks, “Momma,
what is that?”
She replies, “That, son, is none of your business!”
Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door, and the father comes in from
work hungry. The father hollers toward the kitchen to the mom, “Hey honey,
what’s for dinner?”
She replies, “None of your business.”
The son shaking his head says, “YUCK!”

Detective Work

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Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was a Sardarji, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, “Who killed Jesus Christ?” The Jewish man answered without hesitation, “The Romans killed him.” The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied “Jesus was killed by the Jews.” Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

Finally the Sardarji arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, “Could I have some time to think about it?” The chief said, “OK, but get back to me tomorrow.”

When the Sardarji arrived home, his wife asked “How did the interview go?”.

Pat came the reply, “Great, I got the job, and I’m already investigating a murder!”