Two blondes are locked out of their car. They can see the keys lying on the front seat. One looks up and says “Oh no, it is going to rain, hurry up, the top’s down.
Author: admin
Moron Kid
After my 11 year old son did something really dumb, I called him a “moron.” He looked at he like he was saying,
“Dad, do you know anything?”
He finally said “Dad I looked ‘moron’ up in the dictionary and the definition of it is ‘a person who has the intelligence of a 12 year old.’ Thanks Dad, you just gave me a compliment!”
A Smart Man!
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said…
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!”
Things to Make You Go Hmm…
1. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
3. Can I yell “movie” in a crowded firehouse?
4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
5. How do a fool and his money GET together?
6. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
7. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work
station?
9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon
stick to the pan?
10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is
worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
12. If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty
litter?
13. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald
men?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds” fee on
money they already know you don’t have?
16. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
17. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
18. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
19. What year did Jesus think it was?
20. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you
complain to?
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?
23. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
24. After Eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before
getting out of the water?
25. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
26. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
27. How come there aren’t B batteries?
28. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at
1000’s of times per minute, then why do they give it to a
little old man on a bike to deliver?
29. How do “Do not walk on the grass” signs get there?
30. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in
jars?
31. Is a metaphor like a simile?
32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back
to?
33. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
34. How is it possible to have a civil war?
35. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
36. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
37. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
38. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
39. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song?
40. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
41. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
42. Crime doesn’t pay…does that mean that my job is a crime?
43. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
44. How can there be self-help “groups”?
47. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
45. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you
have tried some of the others?
46. How do you throw away a garbage can?
47. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
48. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
mornings?
49. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would
just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
50. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we
know?
51. If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his
underpants on the outside of his trousers?
52. If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what
happens when you turn on the headlights?
53. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
54. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
55. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?
56. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then
put money into telescopes so they can see things on the
ground close-up?
57. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that
killing people is wrong?
58. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but
he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
59. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
60. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
61. How do you remove a club soda stain?
62. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
63. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he
wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
64. What happened to the first 6 “ups”?
Shakespeare's Ta
Because Shakespeare was so deeply absorbed during the writing of his tragedies, he put almost impossible strains on his bladder. To make matters even worse, the tiny hooks and eyes that his tailor had placed on his pants slowed down the process considerably. So the playwright demanded that the tailor make larger hooks and eyes.After a few days of trial, the Bard reported back, “Truly it’s speedier these larger hooks and eyes, but still and all, when I’m in a hurry, it’s not quick enough. So I want you to redesign my trousers using leather ties.” The tailor did exactly as he was told and Shakespeare jumped into the pants without delay.Exactly one week later, however, the playwright was back at his door.”Truly the leather straps are faster than those hooks and eyes, but even so it’s still too slow. So I propose that you throw away the straps and just cut me a little hole.”The tailor bounced to his feet.”You ask for hooks, I give you hooks. You ask for straps, I give you straps. But holes? Holes! You of all people ought to know that . . . there’s no holes, Bard!”
Only a mediocre person is
Only a mediocre person is always at their best.
Toasted
A guy lands on a deserted island after a shipwreck. He wakes up surrounded by natives. “I’m toasted.”
A voice booms out of the sky: “You are not wasted yet! Take up thine rock besides you and bash in the head of the one with the red feathers, he is the chief!”
The guy does exactly this. The voice from the skies says:
“Now, you’re toasted…”
Pressing Questions
A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference:
“Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the
enormous power and influence of your father.”
“That notion is ridiculous!” mocked George Jr. “It doesn’t matter how powerful
the man is. He can only vote once!”
How Do Sheeps Say Merry Christmas?
How do sheeps in Mexico said Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad.
(Feliz Navidad)
Texas Secretary
The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Texas. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
A dictionary for women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
————————–
A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t
realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n.
——————-
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a
policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
————————
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the
tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned
everything up, but, he, “made the dinner.”
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
—————————-
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
————————–
Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
——————————–
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
————————–
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound
bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
————————–
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
———————–
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a
purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
———————————–
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with
you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
——————————
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to
duplicate again. See “Magician.”
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
———————————
Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn’t coming
out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
————————–
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold
your hand and say “focus,…breath…push…”
Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
———————-
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On
his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!
Park (park) v./n.
—————–
Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.”
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and
slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
———————-
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.
See also “tranquilizers.”
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
———————————————-
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if
you try to remove it.
Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
————————————-
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds,
and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Free Ride Home
Two girls left the country club late after a game off golf and quite a few drinks.
They drove of on the dark road and not far down the road they missed a curved and the car was stuck in the ditch.
Glady was not buckled up so she was thrown out of the car onto the cow pasture.
Emma alittle dizzy unbuckled and went out to look for her friend. Finally she finds her laying under a cow.
She cries out ” Glady are you o.k.? “
“I’M fine, and after I’m through with these men we should be able to get a ride home”