Kid: Mom! Everyone at school says I look like
a werewolf!
Mom: Shut up and comb your face!
Author: admin
Knock KnockWho’s there?Hominy!Hominy who?Hominy times
Knock KnockWho’s there?Hominy!Hominy who?Hominy times are we going to go through this!
El presidente de cierto pa�s
El presidente de cierto pa�s africano visit� Rusia, y el presidente, encantando, le mostr� el pa�s y lo trat� con las cortes�as propias para con un jefe de estado. La �ltima noche, antes del regreso a su pa�s, el presidente africano escuch� una propuesta de su hom�logo ruso que lo atemoriz�:
“Mi distinguido presidente, sucede que todos nuestros hu�spedes, despu�s de disfrutar y conocer nuestro pa�s, deben enfrentar su destino jugando a la ruleta rusa; aqu� tienes esta arma, con un solo tiro, la cual tienes que poner en tu sien y ver si tu destino ha terminado”.
Con mucho temor, el africano sigue las instrucciones y sale librado de la ruleta rusa.
Al a�o siguiente, cuando el presidente ruso visita al presidente africano, tambi�n es atendido con muchos honores. Pero en la �ltima noche, el de �frica le dijo que, fiel a sus costumbres, tendr�a que jugar a la ruleta africana.
“�Y c�mo es eso?”, pregunta el ruso con cierto temor.
“Muy sencillo”, responde el africano. “Ah� en cada una de esas chozas se encuentran las cinco mujeres m�s hermosas de �frica, y t� debes elegir una para pasar con ella la noche”.
“�Y luego, qu� debo hacer con ella?”, cuestiona el ruso.
“Nada, solamente dejar que la mujer que escogiste te practique el sexo oral”, explica el presidente africano.
“�Hombre!”, se tranquiliza el ruso, “y yo que pensaba que esta ruleta africana era tan peligrosa como la ruleta rusa”.
“S�, cabr�n, nom�s que una de estas mujeres es can�bal”.
Rules For Work
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring
it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising
me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the
door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use
of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority.
I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere
to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could
mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In
fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful
information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change
your life and send you straight to managers’ hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to
know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay
so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have
been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase.
I’m not here for the money anyway.
Please return Stewardess to original
Please return Stewardess to original upright position.
Flood Shmud
It was flooding in California. As the flood waters were raising, a man was on
the stoop of his house and another man in a row boat came by. The man in the row
boat told the man on the stoop to get in and he’d save him. The man on the stoop
said, no, he had faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood
waters kept rising and the man had to go to the second floor of his house. A man
in a motor boat came by and told the man in the house to get in because he had
come to rescue him. The man in the house said no thank you. He had perfect faith
in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising. Pretty
soon they were up to the man’s roof and he got out on the roof. A helicopter
then came by, lowered a rope and the pilot shouted down in the man in the house
to climb up the rope because the helicopter had come to rescue him. The man in
the house wouldn’t get in. He told the pilot that he had faith in God and would
wait for God to rescue him. The flood waters kept rising and the man in the
house drowned. When he got to heaven, he asked God where he went wrong. He told
God that he had perfect faith in God, but God had let him drown.
“What more do you want from me?” asked God. “I sent you two boats and a
helicopter.”
Them Texans
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years.
The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, “Oh, Shit!”
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, “Hey Y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Con una escasa educaci�n y
Con una escasa educaci�n y sin ning�n entrenamiento, al �nico puesto que Andr�s pudo aspirar fue de operador en la l�nea de producci�n de una nueva f�brica japonesa que se instal� en la regi�n. Meses despu�s de que comenz� a trabajar, la empresa organiz� un concurso entre los obreros y ofreci� un gran premio: un viaje de una semana a Jap�n (con todos los gastos pagados) para conocer al presidente de la compa��a. Andr�s gan� el premio, ya que fue diligente en sus deberes, trabaj� duro, siempre lleg� a tiempo y nunca tom� descanso ni para ir al ba�o.
Que no entendiera una sola palabra en japon�s no fue ning�n impedimento para realizar el viaje, ya que varios de los ejecutivos nipones hablaban espa�ol. Finalmente, nuestro hombre lleg� al aeropuerto de Tokio y a su hotel. Por la tarde, una geisha se present� en el cuarto de Andr�s y �ste supuso que podr�a da�ar las relaciones internacionales si no realizaba algunas ‘relaciones’ con la chica. Esforz�ndose al m�ximo, dedujo que la joven estaba disfrut�ndolo porque comenz� a gritar:
“�Bong Tsai! �Bong Tsai!”
Como la chica se retorc�a y brincaba con gran animaci�n y viveza, supuso que ‘Bong Tsai’ era una exclamaci�n de alegr�a.
As� que continu� realizando su mejor esfuerzo… y ella continu� gritando: “�Bong Tsai”!
Al d�a siguiente, Andr�s fue recogido por el gerente de operaciones americanas para llevarlo a jugar golf con el presidente y el vicepresidente de la compa��a. Como ninguo de los dos hablaba espa�ol, el gerente sirvi� como int�rprete.
El juego procedi� agradablemente hasta el cuarto hoyo. En ese par tres, el presidente peg� un gran tiro, que bot� dos veces, para que finalmente la bola cayera en el recept�culo para un hoyo en uno. El oriental empez� a gritar y gritar con gran entusiasmo. Entonces, Andr�s supuso que deber�a decir algo y record� los alegres gimoteos de la tarde anterior y entonces exclam�:
“�Bong Tsai! �Bong Tsai!”, pensando que era una frase adecuada para la ocasi�n.
Se hizo un pesado silencio en el grupo. Todos miraron fijamente a Andr�s e incr�dulo, el gerente de operaciones americanas le cuestion�:
“�Qu� quiere decir con que es el hoyo equivocado?”
Potentially & Realistically
A young boy approaches his father and asks, ‘Dad, what is the difference
between potentially and realistically?’
The father thought for a moment, then answered, ‘Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then… ask your
brother if he’d sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell
me what you learned from that.’
So the boy went to his mother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Robert Redford
for a million dollars?’
The mother replied, ‘Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like
that.’
The boy then went to his sister and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?’
The girl replied, ‘Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to
pass up that opportunity!’
The boy then went to his brother and asked, ‘Would you sleep with Tom Cruise
for a million dollars?’
Of course,’ the brother replied. ‘Do you know how much a million dollars is?’
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father
asked him, ‘Did you find out the difference between potentially and
realistically?’
The boy replied, ‘Yes, sir. Potentially, we’re sitting on three million
dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two sluts and a queer.’
Pecker
A man was sitting in a bar one evening looking pretty bummed out.
The bartender notices him and asks what’s wrong.
The man replies that he believes that his wife is being unfaithful but isn’t sure how to confront her about it.
The bartender replies, “Here’s what you do, tonight when you get home, pull down your pants, point to your willy and ask her what it is. If she say’s its a dick, then that means she’s lost her innocence and shyness which would indicate that she has been sleeping around. If she say’s it’s a pecker then that indicates that she is still shy and innocent.”
The man decides to give it a try and immediately goes home to summon his wife.
As she enters the living room, our friend drops his pants, points to his member and asks her what it is.
“Oh, that’s a pecker,” responds his wife.
The man lets out a big sigh of relief and exclaims, “Whew, I was afraid you were going to call it a dick.”
His wife responds, “Oh no, that’s a pecker all right. A dick is twice that size!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Who Gives A F—
Two Southern belles were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, “See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me.”The second one says, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”The first one says, “And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me.”The second one says, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!”The first one says, “And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me.”The second one says, “Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!” The first one says, “Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?”The second one says, “Well, my husband sent me to charm school.”The first one says, “Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?”The second one says, “Because I used to say, ‘Who gives a fuck,’ but now I say, ‘Oh, that’s nice! That’s really, really nice!'”
Essex tongue
How to speak with an essex tongue!!
alma chizzit – A request to find the cost of an?item
amant-? Quantity; sum total (“Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend”)
assband? – Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc.
awss- A? four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost
(“That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver? t’day”)
branna-? More brown than on a previous occasion (“Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?”)
cort a panda – A rather large hamburger
dan in the maff- Unhappy (“Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit?dan in the
maff”)
eye-eels? – Women’s shoes
Furrock? – The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre
garrij -? A building where a car is kept or repaired (Trace: “Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper”)
Ibeefa -? Balaeric holiday island
lafarjik- Lacking in energy (“I feel all lafarjik”)
oi oi! -? Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during? banging dance tunes at clubs
paipa -? The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport
reband-? The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover (“I couldn’t elp it, I wuz on the reband from? Craig”)
Saffend? – Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV’s, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday
tan -? The city of London, the big smoke
webbats- Querying the location something or someone is (“Webbats is me dole card, Trace? I’ve? gotta sign on in arf hour”)
wonnid -? 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police
zaggerate – To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is (“I told ya a fazzand times?already”)?
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman