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While purchasing some condoms, Little Johnny remarked with a smile, “I’m giving my girl a birthday present
tonight.”
“Yes, sir,” smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, “would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?”
“That wouldn’t make much sense,” said Little Johnny. “They’re the gift wrapping.”
Idiocy in the Computer World
When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. “If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn’t have these problems,” I said in the memo. One customer responded with “What kind of shampoo do you recommend?”
An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been Xeroxed.
A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: “Gee, how much does one of these weigh?”
Me: “It depends on how much data is on the disk.
The operator believed it.
I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: “What’s wrong with the computer?”
Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: “Broken muffler belt.”
A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: “Oh, that’s bad. Can you call Midas?”
A few excerpts from the Computer Help Desk:
Caller: “What’s the name for when you’re entering data into the computer?”
HD: “Data Entry.”
Caller: “Thank you!”
Overheard in a student computer lab:
Client (raising hand and waving frantically): “The computer says ‘Enter your name and press RETURN. ‘What do I do??”
Lab Assistant: “Enter your name and press RETURN.”
Client (as if a revelation has struck): “Oh!”
9. Photographer for the “Miss Nude Octogenarian” pageant
8. Laxative tester
7. Internet spelling/grammar corrector
6. Certified Pubic Accountant
5. Oh, come on, people! Let’s just say it: *any* job in the White House if you’re wearing a skirt. And that includes the poor bagpipe players.
4. Depends Undergarment Maximum Load Tester
3. Jessie Ventura’s press secretary
2. Restroom attendant at the Texas Chili Competition
1. “NYPD Blue” Makeup Specialist, Ass Division
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] ]there was a highjacker on a plane and he had 3 weapons a knife a pitchfork and a bomb.
he dropped the knife and a little boy on the ground went runnin to his nieghbor screamin a knife killed my cat.
then the highjacker{h.J}dropped the pitchfork and the kid cried to his nieghbor”a pitchfork just killed my dog””
then the h.j dropped the bomb and the kid went crakin up to his nieghbor sayin my mom farted and the house blew up
“
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she’s been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.
She then phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
“How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.”
And one particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”
Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'”. Kevin turned to his younger brother & said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died & went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, “Did God throw him back down?”
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted, “Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor’s wife.”
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked, “Johnny what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife!”
This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese: “Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name….”
Un hombre manejaba por la autopista cuando vio a una gallina corriendo junto a su coche. Sorprendentemente, la gallina corr�a al mismo ritmo que el auto, aunque iba a m�s de 80 km/h.
El hombre aceler� a 100 y la gallina se mantuvo junto a �l. Aceler� a 120 y la gallina lo rebas�. Entonces el hombre not� que la gallina ten�a tres piernas.
El tipo sigui� a la gallina por un camino lateral hasta que llegaron a una granja, donde vio que todas las gallinas ten�an tres piernas. El hombre busc� al granjero y le pregunt� “�Oiga, qu� pasa con estas gallinas?”
El granjero le respondi� “Bueno, a todo el mundo le gustan las piernas de pollo. As� que cri� una gallina de tres piernas. Voy a hacerme millonario.”
“�Y qu� sabor tienen estas gallinas?”
“No lo s�, �no he podido atrapar ninguna!”
An amount of blood loss which threatens the viability
of the patient, and the composure of the attending physician.
When it comes to I.Q. points, you lose them every time you go to the bathroom.
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?A: A dead girlfriend.
A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when
they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her,
“Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”
“What? You’re crazy?”
“Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem.”
“No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor…”
“At this time of the night no one will show up.”
“I’ve already said NO, and NO!”
“Honey, it’s just a small bowie… I know you like it too.”
“NO!!! I’ve said NO!!!”
“My love. Don�t be like that.”
At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair
totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. “Dad says either you have to
blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob
himself, but for God’s sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the
intercom!”
The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said, “How ’bout some relaxing oral sex honey… only $50… you look all uptight.””No way!” the man responded.”I’m married!!!””So???” queried the hooker.”My wife will do it for $35.” he replied.