The Butcher Dance

There was once a famous explorer who would travel around the
world videotaping exotic things from around the world. One day,
he decided that he would make a videotape of all the world’s
dances. So, he and his film crews spent 5 years roaming around
the world taping any exotic dance they could come across. They
ended up in Australia after videotaping the last dance they had
ever heard of. Suddenly, an old lady comes up to them and says
“Have you gotten the Butcher dance?”

The explorers did not know what the Butcher dance was, so they
asked the old lady.

“Well, there’s a very secretive tribe of Aborigines in the
outback that only do this dance called the Butcher dance once a
year. No human outside of their tribe has ever seen it.”

This excited the explorers greatly. “Do you know where we can
find this tribe?”

The lady replied “Yes I do, and if you leave tomorrow, you
should just make it in time. First, you need to travel 2 hours
west into the outback, then 5 hours north. You will come to a
mountain range. You must leave your vehicles at the range. Then,
you climb over the mountain range, which is very treacherous.
Then, you will need to ford a river at the bottom of the
mountains. There should be a tribe of aborigines on the other
side that will guide you to the next tribe for something
valuable in return. They will lead you to a cliff on a plateau.
You must scale down the cliff, and then it is an hour walk
across a desert to a group of small hills, and over those hills
will be the aborigines with the dance you seek.”

Well, the explorer knows that he must get this dance to complete
his taping. So, he and his crew set off. 2 hours west, and then
after 4 hours north, their cars break down, so they’re forced to
walk the remaining distance with all their equipment across the
hot landscape. When they finally come to the mountains, 2 of the
group lose their footing and fall to their deaths. They finally
make it over the mountains, but the river has been engorged with
a flood. 1 crewman drowns while he tries to swim across, so the
remaining people are forced to build makeshift rafts. However,
the rafts start to sink, and half of their camera equipment is
lost. They come to the group of aborigines who will guide them
to the next group, and offer them money. They refuse, and the
explorers offer them some of their cameras. The aborigines
refuse that, as well. So, the famous explorer makes his
sacrifice, and offers the only female member of his crew, which
they accept. They are given a guide who leads them to the cliff.
One of the crewmen gets vertigo, and accidentally falls off the
cliff tom his death. The explorer and his one remaining crewman
set off across the desert, and his crewman drops because of heat
stroke. So, the explorer picks up a small camera, and drags his
ragged self across the desert, up the hills, and he can hear
drums!

He pulls himself up the top of the hill, and the drums stop. He
stumbles down to the village elder, and once they have found a
translator, proceeds to ask him when the Butcher dance will take
place.

“I’m very sorry, but we have just finished with our Butcher
dance.” “Well, can’t you please do it again, for me? It’s very
important! You don’t know what we’ve been through!” “We cannot
do that. It would anger our gods, and we need them to watch over
our livestock and our crops and our water.

So, the explorer heads back to where he started from, and
finally makes it back and resolves to try again next year. So he
spends the year renting out a house in Australia and gathering
everything he’ll need. He gets mountain climbing gear, an
inflatable raft, blow-up dolls, and a car repair kit. He takes
all the precautions, and with a new crew, sets off.

When they arrive at the mountains, one of his crew notices a
path in the mountains that wasn’t apparent, so they drive
through, and make it to the river, which has dried up. They
cross the dried-up riverbed, and the aborigines have moved away
because of a lack of water. So, they carry on from the memory of
their leader. Midway through the desert, however, one car hits a
rock and tips, and the other car couldn’t turn in time, and
there’s a horrible accident. By sheer willpower, the explorer
climbs bloodied and beaten from the wreckage, finds one camera
that still works, and stumbles on into the village. He is
immediately recognized by the elder.

“Oh, you! You have come just in time to see the Butcher dance!
We will delay it for a little bit so that you can be healed of
your wounds!” “No, I don’t want to waste that time. I’ll be
fine. Just start the Butcher dance!”

This is the time he’s been waiting for two years. Finally, his 7
year work will be complete. He fires up his camera and watches
the dancers as they come out. They form a circle, and start to
sing:

“You butcher right hand in, you butcher right hand out…”

El nuevo sacerdote de una

El nuevo sacerdote de una parroquia estaba demasiado nervioso en su primer serm�n que casi no pudo hablar. Antes de iniciar la segunda homil�a, le pregunt� al monse�or c�mo podr�a hacerle para relajarse, y �ste le sugiri� que la pr�xima vez que subiera al p�lpito pusiera un poco de vodka en el agua y que despu�s de unos sorbos se sentir�a m�s relajado.

Al siguiente domingo, puso el consejo en pr�ctica y sinti� que pod�a hablar incluso en medio de una tormenta; se sent�a de maravilla. Despu�s de regresar a la rector�a de la parroquia encontr� una nota del monse�or:

Querido padre:

1. La pr�xima vez, tome sorbos en lugar de tragar.
2. Son 10 los mandamientos, no 12.
3. Fueron 12 los disc�pulos, no 10.
4. No nos referimos a la Cruz como ‘aquella T grandota’.
5. No nos referimos a nuestro Salvador Jesucristo y sus ap�stoles como ‘JC y su banda’.
6. David derrot� a Goliat, nunca le pate� el fundillo.
7. No nos referimos a Judas como el culero.
8. El Papa es sagrado, no castrado, y no nos referimos a �l como ‘El Padrino’.
9. El Padre, el Hijo y el Esp�ritu Santo no son Papi, el Junior y el Aparecido.

Atte. Monse�or

Newlywed houseguests

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young man’s parents.In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast. After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat?”The grooms young brother said, “Mommy, I think — “”Oh shut up, I don’t want to hear what you think!” said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat?” Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day.The young lad once again said, “Mommy I think — “”Well what is it that you think?” asked the mother rather irritated.”I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead.”

Gay Family

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”

The barman says “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

Bad News 1

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That’s terrible! What could be worse?
What’s the very bad news?

Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

50 Things to Do

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream ‘MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!’

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsaleable.

8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King…

9. …but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re ‘astronaut food’.

10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton’s around while reading aloud from ‘Dianatic�s.’

11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, ‘You mean you really can’t see it?’

13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

16. Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

17. If you’re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

18. Sprint up the down escalator.

19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they too, can see the ‘hidden picture’.

20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.

24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them, with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.

27. Rummage through the jellybean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, ‘I see London, I see France…’

30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

31. Play the tuba for change.

32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play ‘Jesus Built My Hotrod’.

33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will ‘give you a really wicked buzz’.

35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have ‘any giant crap made out of straw’.

36. ‘Toast’ plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing ‘Saved by the Bell’. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling ‘scratch one flattop!’

41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are, ‘leak proof’.

42. ‘Play’ the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.

45. If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.

46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say ‘Domino’s.’

47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

49. Show people your driver’s license and demand to know ‘whether they’ve seen this man.’

50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet.

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A…

Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says to the other, “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. One of the tall trees says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.”

Gassy Granny

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”The next week the lady goes back.”Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts — although still silent — stink terribly.”The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing….”

Student Bloopers

This is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.

Ancient Egy`t was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?” Moses led the hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks.

History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battle fields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.” Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most people were alliterate.

The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.” It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.

Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance America began.

Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.

Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Old Romance

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a sceond, and
tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and
settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said “Then you used to bit my neck.”
The husband now very annoyed got out of bed and walked to the
bathroom.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!” he replied.