Salesman says ‘Can I speak to your father?’.
Little boy whispers ‘He’s busy.’
‘What is he doing?’
‘Talking to the firemen.’
Okay, can I speak to your mother?’
Little boy whispers ‘She’s busy
‘What is she doing?’
‘Talking to the policemen.’
Salesman says ‘Let me get this straight there is no adult I can speak to right
now because they are all talking to the police or the firemen.
What’s going on?’ Little boy whispers ‘They’re lookin’ for ME!’
Author: admin
Translations Gone Bad
The following our signs seen overseas where the actual message of the signs
became somewhat lost in the English translation.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will
be unbearable.
In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter
more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then
going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 & 11 am
daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel for skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of
ascension.
On a menu in a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the
form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
people’s fashion.
In a Tokyo hotel:
Please take advantage of the chambermaids.
In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
In a Hong Kong dress shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict rotation.
From the Soviet weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic
painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown
in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the porter.
In Germany’s Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of
different sex, for instance, men & women, live together in one tent unless they
are married for that purpose.
An ad by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
A Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been
played.
In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin.
On a box of a clockwork toy in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan:
Stop—Drive sideways.
Swiss mountain inn:
Special today–no ice cream.
Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the
guard on duty.
A notice in a Japanese hotel (ca. 1950):
Please not to steal towels. If you are not person to do such, please not to
read notice.
Office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.
Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find that they are best in the
long run.
Japanese instructions on an air conditioner:
Cooles & Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.
Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him
with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. Here speaking American.
A sign on the lion cage at a zoo in the Czech Republic:
No smoothen the lion
A Finnish hotel’s instructions in case of fire:
If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.
In a Japanese restaurant (ca. 1950):
We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.
Did Noah keep his bees
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Bad Day
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
A: Because her tampon is behind her ear and she can’t find her pencil!
A teenager is…
-A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a
phone number.
-A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars
before breakfast.
-A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on
Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
-Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not
his mother calling from the next room.
-A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but
can’t make a bed.
-A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours
studying for her driver’s license.
-A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music–loud and very loud.
-An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is
usually too tired to dry the dishes.
-A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
-A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
-A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
-A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the
lawn needs mowing.
-An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a
teenager.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Sherry!Sherry who?Sherry dance?
Knock KnockWho’s there?Sherry!Sherry who?Sherry dance?
Two Fathers and Two Sons Fishing
Two fathers and two sons are fishing. They each caught a fish. But there
were only three fish when they were finished. They didn’t eat any. How is
this possible?
There was a grandfather, a father and a son. The father is a father and a
son.
The Nudge
A man is in a hotel lobby and wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into
a woman beside him and his elbow pokes her in the breast. They
are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft
as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in
room 436.”
Three old men
Three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.
The first geezer said, “My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!”
The second old fogey one-upped him. “My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!”
The third old man laughed and said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
The couple and the shoe salesman.
The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.
It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, “If that thing was full of ice cream, I’d eat every bite.”
Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.
The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn’t go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.
“Well”, the husband replied, “There are three reasons I won’t punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn’t have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, I’m not going to punch anyone who’s big enough to eat that much ice cream!”
How to get out of anext speeding ticket!
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who’s car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?
Driver: Yeah, and I’ll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!
Making Cakes
There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.The little girl says ”Mummy what are they doing?” The mother hesitates then quickly replies ”Ummm they are making cakes”. The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.The next day the girl says to her mother ”Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night.”Shocked, the Mother says ”how do you know?” The little girl replies, ”I licked the icing off the sofa.”