There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Author: admin
50 Years On
The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same, sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, “Honey, do you remember this?”
He looks up at her and replies, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”
“That’s right.” she replied. “And do you remember what you said to me that night?”
He nods and says, “Yes dear, I still remember.”
“Well, what was it?”
“Well honey, as I remember, I said, “Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!”
She giggles, “Yes, that was it. That was exactly what you said. Now it’s 50 years later and I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”
He looks her up and down and says, “Mission accomplished.”
St. Mark has been guarding the Pearly gates…
St. Mark has been guarding the Pearly gates for a long time, and it’s
well past time for St. Peter to relieve him, and St. Peter hasn’t come
by, so finally Jesus takes pity on him and takes over. While He’s there,
an old man comes up to the gates.
“Welcome to heaven” says Jesus, “tell me a bit about yourself.”
“Well,” says the old man, “when I was alive, I was a carpenter. I had a
son, and for a while he was a carpenter too, helping about the shop, but he
left home. Made quite a name for himself, for a while, but they killed him…”
Jesus stared searchingly at the old man.
“Father?” he asked.
The old man stared back. “Pinnochio?”
Skittles
Yo mama so fat that when she sat on the rainbow Skittles popped out.
Aid’s or Alzheimer’s
A doctor called up a fellow and said, “Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.”
The guy says, “Yes, that’s right. Is there anything wrong?”
“Well,” the doctor replies, “here’s the thing. There’s another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife.
Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer�s.”
“Oh, my God,” the man said, “what will I do, doc?”
“Well, I’ve been giving this some thought,” said the doctor, “and here’s what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.
“Then what?” says the distraught man.
“Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, DON’T FUCK HER!”
Wedding Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.” The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”
#EANF#
hahahahahahahhahaha what are u doin shut up pent down go to bathroom and sit down
Llega Pepito del Campamento con
Llega Pepito del Campamento con dos bolsas de ropa sucia, a lo que su mam� le dice:
“�Pepito, me va a tomar todo un d�a lavar toda esa ropa!”
A lo que Pepito le contest�:
“�Mami, a mi me tomo una semana para ensuciarla!”
Fresco’s Discovery: If you
Fresco’s Discovery: If you knew what you were doing, you’d probably be bored.
Shouting the Bar
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken slur),
“Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me
the bill.”
The bartender does just as the drunk requested and hands the man a bill for
$57.00.
The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”
The bartender gets angry and throws him out into the street.
The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with
a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself
one, and give me the bill.”
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly
be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of
the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands
the drunk a bill for $67.00.
The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”
The bartender can’t believe it. He gets furious, picks the guy up and hurls
him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a
drunken slur), “Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.
In disgust, the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?”
The drunk replies, “You! No way! You get too violent when you drink!”
Dos amigas se encuentran y
Dos amigas se encuentran y la una le dice a la otra:
“Vecina, estoy preocupad�sima. Imag�nese que desde hace tres d�as, dos marihuaneros entran por la noche y se cagan en mi terreno.
La otra le dice: “Pero no sea usted tan lenta, ponga unos reflectores y ver� como no vuelven.”
En efecto, la se�ora se manda dos reflectores de 500 Watts cada uno.
A la semana, se vuelven a encontrar, e intrigada le pregunta la se�ora:
“Y, vecina, �c�mo le fue con los reflectores?”
“�Ay, me muero, mejor calle!. �Ahora entran a cagar con revistas!”
The Inventor…
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, “I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle.”
“OK,” says the clerk. “What do you call it?”
“A fottle, replies the inventor.”
“A fottle? That’s a stupid! Can’t you think of something else?”
“I can think about it. I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.”
“And what do you call that?” asks the clerk.
“A farton”, replies the inventor.
“That’s rude. You can’t possibly call it that!”
“In that case,” says the inventor…
“You’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.”