Q: Why do women wear perfume and makeup?
A: Because they’re ugly and they smell
Author: admin
Your momma is so old, she still owes jesus…
Your momma is so old, she still owes jesus a dollar
Your momma is so fat, she stood on the scales and it said “to be continued”
your momma is so dumb, she locked her self in the toilet and still pissed her self
Your momma is so fat, she jumped in the sea and the sea jumped out
your momma is so old, she farts out dust
your momma is so old, she has cobwebs in her armpits
your momma is so skinny, she can dodge the rain
your momma is so short, she sits on the kurb and her legs still dangle
your momma is so dumb, she tried to get on the plane with a bus pass
your momma is so fat, when she enters a doctors waiting area, she sits next to everyone
Knock KnockWho’s there?Fiona!Fiona who?Fiona lookout
Knock KnockWho’s there?Fiona!Fiona who?Fiona lookout for Mum & Dad
Business Rules Part I
I can only please one person per day. today is not your day. tomorrow is not
looking good either.
i love deadlines. i especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go
flying by.
tell me what you need, and i’ll tell you how to get along without it.
accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.
needing someone is like needing a parachute. if he isn’t there the first time,
chances are you won’t be needing him again.
i don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
last night i lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and i thought to
myself, where the f*** is the ceiling?
my reality check bounced.
on the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
i don’t suffer from stress. i am a carrier.
you are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste
good with ketchup.
everyone is someone else’s weirdo.
never argue with an idiot. they drag you down to their level then beat you
with experience.
a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
after any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than
you did before.
the more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
you can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Peter Pan
Why does peter pan fly?
Because if you got hit in the peter by a pan you would be flying too!!!!
Blubber trouble
Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!
An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.- Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
Horseback riding
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become tangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when………………………………the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
Evaluation Code Key
Performance appraisal terms and their real meanings:
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE:
Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Made no major blunders – yet.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks a lot.
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Spouse drinks, too.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the cops.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.
QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.
CAREFUL THINKER:
Won’t make a decision.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.
PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT:
Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour.
FORCEFUL:
Argumentative.
AGGRESSIVE:
Obnoxious.
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS:
Gets someone else to do it.
A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.
EXPRESS THEMSELVES WELL:
Speak English.
CONSCIENTIOUS:
Scared.
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nit picker.
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES:
Is tall or has a loud voice.
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT:
Lucky.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
STRONG PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.
CAREER MINDED:
Back Stabber.
COMING ALONG WELL:
About to be let go.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Gets to work on time.
RELAXED ATTITUDE:
Sleeps at desk.
EXPERIENCED PROBLEM SOLVER:
Screws up often.
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY:
Too ugly to get a date.
INDEPENDENT WORKER:
Nobody knows what he/she does all day.
FORWARD THINKING:
Procrastinator.
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS:
Able to BS well.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Spends lots of time on phone.
LOYAL:
Can’t get a job anywhere else.
MICHAEL JACKSON AND BURGER KING
WHAT DOES MICHAEL JACKSON AND BURGER KING HAVE IN COMMON.
THEY BOTH STICK THEIR MEAT IN EIGHT YEAR OLD BUNS.
Assign the punishment
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3’4″, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, “Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!” And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7′ tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, “Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!” And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of … Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:”Cindy, you have sinned.”
Three wishes
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when-all of a sudden-a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really rich. “
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. “And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman. “Your third wish?” asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
“Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”