Better latent than never.
Author: admin
A cat goes to Heaven
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, ‘You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.’The cats says, ‘Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.The mice said, ‘All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.’ God says, ‘Say no more.’ And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,’How are you doing? Are you happy here?’The cat yawns and stretches and says, ‘Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!
Kids!
Mom: No, No, Kayanne! Don’t poke your fingers in the meat!
Kayanne: But it’s fun mommy!
Dad: She’s 5, she reads well, and knows 100 times 100, but doesn’t know better than to poke holes in meat that is at the store.
Mom: Where did you get this idea, Kay?
Kayanne: A comic strip! Why, mommy?
Mom & Dad: Kids!
Cropp’s Law: The amount
Cropp’s Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.
Accounting Humor
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening that reads: Dear Wife (that’s what he called her): I am
54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him
that read as follows: Dear Husband (that’s what she called him):
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at
the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy
toy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18
goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
Business Rules Part II
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous’.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
P. Diddy I. D.
You’re so stupid you thought Puff Daddy was a brand of cigarettes.
Job interview
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about his personality so he asked, “If you could have a conversation with someone, living
or dead, who would it be?”
The blonde quickly responded, “The
living one.”
An IBM acronym
IBM: Idiots Built Me
Bill at a Baseball Game
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire
walks up to the VIP section and yells something; suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary
by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned
umpired shouts.
No, Mr. President! I said, ‘Throw the first PITCH!’
CLASSIC QUOTE: A quote from Sky News
“Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton,” UK defense minister
Geoff Hoon said in The Commons yesterday.
“He’s either never been to Southampton, or he’s never been to
Umm Qasr” says a British Squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr.
Another soldier added:
“There’s no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us.
It’s more like Portsmouth.”
One morning recently…
One morning recently
A young woman
Got out of bed
Slipped into her robe
Raised the shade
Uncovered the parrot
Put on the coffee pot
Answered the phone
And heard a masculine voice say:
“Hello, honey. My ship just hit port
And I’m coming right over.”
So the young lady
Took the coffee pot off the stove
Covered up the parrot
Pulled down the shade
Took off her robe
Got into bed
and heard the parrot mumble,
“Kee-rist, what a short day that was!”
Uninvited Kiss
Repairman Won’t Be Punished For Uninvited Kiss
COEUR d’ALENE, Idaho — A computer repairman who said he thought his female customer was lonely has been acquitted of forcing himself on her.
A jury in Idaho decided that an uninvited kiss from the repairman is not battery and Steven Moyer should not be punished.
Moyer testified that the customer told him she “didn’t have a steady boyfriend,” prompting him to ask if she wanted “a boyfriend for 15 minutes.”
The woman says Moyer grabbed her, kissed her twice and asked her if she wanted to show him the bedroom.
She said no, and Moyer left. He billed her $20 for the service call.
Copyright 2004 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci