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Interview with a Pirate!

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The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, “I’m sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg.”

“Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off!”

The interviewer was sort of disappointed. “What about the hook at the end of your right arm?”

“I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard!”

Again the reporter was disappointed. “Certainly there’s an exciting story about the patch on your eye?”

“One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!”

The reporter was amazed. “That’s why you wear a patch?”

“Well, I’d only had me hook a couple of days!”

Marksmen

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Parson Smith paid a visit to the Baldwin home. while he was there, he noticed targets everywhere he looked. On the barn, on the trees, on the well, and on the scarecrow. Incredibly, each one of the targets had a bullet hole right in the centre.”Wow!” exclaimed the parson, “who’s the marksman around here?” “I am”, said nine year old Billy Baldwin.”That’s Amazing, gushed the parson.”How can anyone be so perfect?””Oh, that’s easy.” said Billy, “I just drew circles around the bullet holes later.”

Smart Rednecks in Taxi Ride

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Five young men from the country were new to big city travel, but they’d
always heard how important it is to stand up for themselves when dealing
with cab drivers. They stopped a taxi driver, asking him to take them to
airport.

All along the way they kept threatening the driver, saying, “We’re smart,
mister! Don’t take the longest way to airport or we’ll know!” They
continued to pester him, saying, “We will not pay you anything if you
cheat us, mister, so you’d better be straight with us.”

When they finally arrived at the airport, the driver wanted to avoid
having a hassle with the passengers. Just to be sure he didn’t have any
trouble collecting, he planned on reducing the fare by one-half of his
normal trip rate. He’d already had a long day, and didn’t need the problem.

As the car finally came to a stop after a twenty minute drive to the
airport, the driver said, “O.K. We’ve arrived at the airport, and…”

“What’s your fare, mister?!” the leader interrupted the driver rudely.
“And remember we are smart about you guys,” he reminded the driver one
more time.

“To show you guys how great I am to visitors of our fine city, I am going
to charge you only $10. Normally, I’d charge at least $20.00 for your
trip. Please pay that and we’ll be square.”

“O.K.,” they replied.

One passenger to the other said, “We sure showed him, didn’t we?” as they
paid the driver $10.00 each.

Their 35th Wedding Anniversary

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The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

“You’re all grown men,” he said, “and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married.”

“What?” gasped one of the sons. “Do you mean to say we’re all bastards?”

“Yes,” snapped the old man, “and cheap ones, too!”

Vengeance Is Mine!

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One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got
home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the
man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in
a vice.
Utterly terrified, the man screamed, “Stop, stop! You�re not going to cut it
off, are you? ARE YOU?”
“Nope,” replied the construction worker, “You are…I’m going to set the
garage on fire.”

An Alien walks into a bar…

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An Alien walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and pokes him in the shoulder, all the while making a noise like ”Meeeeeeep”. The bartender looks at him and is really weirded out.

He turns around and the alien pokes him in the shoulder again and says ”Meeeeeeep” The bartender is really pissed now and says to the Alien, ”Dude, next time you do that, Im gonna take you outside and rip your dick off!”

The alien obiously doesn’t understand and pokes the bartender again and says ”Meeeeeeeep”. The bartender is so pissed, that he picks him up by the collar of his space suit and draggs him outside to the empty lot and jerks down the Aliens pants.

But, the Alien doesn’t have human anatomy and has nothing there to rip off. The bartender is so surprised that he asks, ”Well, if you don’t have a dick, how do you have sex?” The alien just looks at him, pokes him in the shoulder and says ”Meeeeeeep”