Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Author: admin
The Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger
16> “But officer, she asked for directions!”
15> You’re the only guy at your gym who’s got a French manicure between his legs.
14> Your wedding ring keeps falling off in the shower.
13> Restraining order keeps you out of Yellow Pages offices nationwide.
12> “Not tonight, baby — I’ve got a hangnail.”
11> Madge calls the cops when she discovers you soaking in the Palmolive.
10> Your rabbi is also your manicurist.
9> A few words into your “I did not have sexual relations” finger-wagging speech, Helen Thomas faints dead away.
8> Getting to third base is now a ground-rule home run.
7> You now get arrested for giving someone the finger — even in New York City.
6> Millions of pianists in the world, but there are chords that only *you* can play.
5> Aunt Norma won’t let you play “Chopsticks” at the family reunion anymore.
4> You sprout wood every time someone cuts you off in traffic.
3> Even Fox has to go to commercial when you throw your knuckleball.
2> Your nose-picking habit is cured — and your belly button is squeaky clean!
1> “With this ring I thee– HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Grim reaper
What did the Grim Reaper say to St. Peter before visiting Frank.
Hey, I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse…
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Problem farter
A woman goes into the doctors office and says “Dr. I have a problem, I fart all the time but my farts are noiseless and they don’t smell…In fact, I have farted no less than twelve times since I arrived here!”The doctor wrote down a prescription and said, “Take these for a week and then come back to see me.”A week later the woman goes back and storming into the office complains, “Doctor, I think the pills made it worse, I keep farting all the time and even though the farts are still noiseless the now smell terrible!, what have you got to say for yourself?”Doctor: ” Good, we have taken care of your sinuses, now we can move on to your hearing…”
Bulimic Bachelor Par
How do you know you’re at a bulimic bachelor party? When the cake jumps out of the girl!
Things That Took Me Fifty Years To Learn
1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.
3.) There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness”.
4.) People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.
7.) No matter what happens… somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9.) Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11.) Never lick a steak knife.
12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13.) “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway.
You’re a redneck … you are known for
You’re a redneck if …. You are known for your homemade squash wine.
Lost and Found
An old man in heaven comes up to Jesus Christ. “Hello, young
man,” he says, “would you help me look for my son?” Jesus Christ
smiles apologetically and says “You know, sir, Heaven is very
big, and it is awfully hard to find someone here.”
The old man says “No, I’m sure you know my son. He was very well
known and he had nails put in his hands and feet.” Jesus looks
at the man in awe and asks slowly, “Father?!” The old man,
pleased at the recognition, says, “Pinnochio?!!”
THREE IS EQUAL TO FOUR
Theorem: 3=4
Proof:
Suppose:
a + b = c
This can also be written as:
4a – 3a + 4b – 3b = 4c – 3c
After reorganizing:
4a + 4b – 4c = 3a + 3b – 3c
Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)
Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3
An Oregonian, a Californian, and a Texan . . .
An Oregonian, a Californian, and a Texan were out camping. They were lazing around the campfire when the Texan pulled out a bottle of tequila and after taking a couple of swallows, threw the bottle in the air, pulled out his six-shooter, and neatly shot the bottle. The Californian noted that there was still some tequila left in the bottle, but the Texan replied, ‘That’s okay, we have plenty of tequila where I come from.’The Californian promptly brought out his bottle of White Zinfandel, took two swallows, threw it up in the air, and shot it with a Glock 9mm pistol with the 17-round magazine, stating: ‘We have plenty of wine where I come from.’The Oregonian took all this in and finally opened a bottle of Henry’s Blue Boar Irish Ale. He downed the entire bottle, threw it up in the air, shot the Californian with a 12-guage Mossberg he kept around for the birds, and deftly caught the bottle. The Texan’s jaw dropped nearly to his silver belt buckle and his eyes opened nearly as wide. The Oregonian, momentarily puzzled at the reaction, finally laughed: ‘It’s okay, we have plenty of Californians where I come from, BUT I can get a nickel for this bottle!’
Toooooo Cute!
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”
“How did you know that?” his mother asked.
“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied.
“I think it’s printed on the bottom!”
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken’s day off.