Author: admin

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight.”

The woman says, “So do I. You’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing

Three convicts are on their way to prison.

They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turns to another and asks, “So, what did you bring?”

The second convict pulls out a box of paints and states that he intends to paint anything he can get his hands on.

“I�ll be the Grandma Moses of jail,” he says, before asking the first, “So, what did you bring?”

The first convict pulls out a deck of cards, grins, and says, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.”

The third convict, seeing what was going on, began to smile to himself.

The others, taking notice, ask him, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”

The guy pulls out a box of tampons and smiles. “I brought these,” he says.

Puzzled by his choice, the other two ask, “What can you do with those?”

Grinning, he points to the package and says, “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating. . . .”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Hello, lovers young and old. Was 14th February good for you?After all the anticipation, the tension, the commercialism and the hype, was Valentine’s Day worth it?If you’re feeling a little used today, you’re not alone. Valentine’s Day is a “Hallmark” holiday, a sham.Year after year, poor besotted (or simply obligated) lovers throw themselves into this mass hysteria, buying up silly trinkets and flocking to mediocre restaurants, and for what? To declare their love, on the same day as everyone else, all because the calendar says so?Let’s get this straight: V-Day was created to sell cards, dinners and flowers and to allow couples to feel superior to single people (who have lots more fun the rest of the year).I say anyone who buys into it is crazy. Roses priced at $60 a dozen. Cheesy gifts. Restaurant “specials” consisting of mass-cooked rubber chicken with some sort of gooey chocolate dessert at the end.This is romantic?Yet, judging by reports that most major restaurants in town were already fully booked by last Thursday,- some a week or two before that, even. a lot of folks out there haven’t got the message.So I’m breaking out a brand-new weapon. For your consideration, please, a new magazine: Mars and Venus. That’s right, it’s the brainchild of self-help guru John Gray, the man who brought us Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and all its million-dollar sequels, and its “preview issue” landed on news-stands just in time for V-Day.Gray, as most Earthlings know, propagates the cutesy theory that men and women can’t communicate because we’re from different planets – but if we learn to accept each other’s alien ways, love will triumph.And in Gray’s world of male-female stereotypes, Valentine’s Day is the most important day of the year.He instructs us that women (or, in Gray’s parlance, Venusians), are all Valentine addicts who must be ministered to every Feb. 14. Men, he says, ignore this at their peril.”You owe it to your wife,” he says.”It is the day that can make the difference to the rest of the year.NEGLECTED AND UNLOVED?”Quite often during the span of a year, a woman will feel neglected and unloved, but she is able to suspend her disappointment. If he shows his love on Feb. 14, then she finds it easy to let go of all the resentment.”Ladies, are you going to take this? Hang on, it’s not just women who are made to feel like saps. Here’s Gray’s advice for us, when our poor man still doesn’t live up to the hype: “Try to remember that he is from Mars and is doing his best.”The mag goes on like that, with one article gushing: “How many women expect love and kisses wrapped in hearts and flowers on Valentine’s Day? Every single one of us.” (Hello?) “Men,” it adds, “can be trained to get in the proper spirit.”On shopping for the all-important Valentine gift, contributor Lynn Shnurnberger writes, “The whole point of Valentine’s Day is to prove your love.” (Gee, not much pressure there, eh? And you thought it was just to prove you could find the last heart shaped box of chocolates in town.)There’s also step-by-step instructions on how to write a love letter (warning to anyone who received a letter beginning: “Have I told you lately that I love you? If not, allow me to make up for lost time…”- your lover’s a plagiarist).And to top it off, there’s a helpful calendar that schedules loving gestures for rest of the month. Mark these down:On Feb. 20: “Martians: As she walks by, whisper in her ear just how much you love her.” On Feb. 24, “Venusians: thank him for everything he does.” On Feb. 27: “Martians: empty the dishwasher without being asked.”Had enough? You say you’re not one of these lemmings in love, you really do have your own romantic imagination?Beautiful. Start a romantic revolution.Lovers of the world, unite – or should I say, disperse. Refuse to be dictated to by card companies and magazines.This is the first day of your post-Valentine life. Resolve that next year, you will in fact prove and celebrate your love. But you’ll choose your first date anniversary, the day you learned you’d be parents, the day you first met, the day you first kissed … any day but Feb. 14.Forget the rest of the world. It’ll be your secret. Trust me, the flowers will be fresher, the food will be tastier, and the mood will be, well, yours alone to create. Isn’t that romantic?

Resulta que en cierta ciudad se estaban registrando robos de chicos en la salida de las guarder�as, por lo cual las maestras decidieron tomar precauciones y estar atentas en las salidas.

Un d�a, en la salida de los chicos, un se�or muy pero muy obeso baja de un auto. Entonces, al no reconocerlo como el padre de alg�n chico, una de las maestras lo observ� muy atentamente y luego, para confirmar si era un ladr�n o un padre, se le acerca al hombre y le pregunta:

“Se�or, �usted espera un hijo?”

“No, s�lo soy gordo”, responde confundido el tipo.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can’t stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.

4. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

5. Remember: “Y’all” is singular.

6. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.

8. People walk slower here.

9. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ol'”, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.

11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

12. “He needed killin'” is a valid defense here.

13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

17. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.

18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.

19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

21. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

23. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.