A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.”That should be obvious,” he responded, “the first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck.”
Author: admin
On the train
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class carriage of a train. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman can’t believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.
The woman is about to go nuts. She can’t believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his penis out and wipes the tip.
The woman has finally had enough.
She turns to the man and says, ‘Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve removed your penis from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are you?’
The man replies, ‘I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma’am. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.’
The woman, now feeling badly, says, ‘Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?’
The man looks at her and says, ‘Pepper’
Gum-Chewing
A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a
restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American, so
he starts a conversation.
He asks the Frenchman, “When you eat bread, do you eat all of
it?”
“Mais oui!, of course!” responds the Frenchman.
“Well,” says the American, “we only eat the soft part of it. The
rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through
a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France.
“And what about steaks?” he continues. “Do you eat all parts of
them?”
“Bien sur! We do,” replies the Frenchman.
“You don`t say!” says the America, grinning. “We don`t! We only
eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in
containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what
comes out are little steaks that we sell in France.”
Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, “And what do
Americans do with their used condoms?”
“Hey, we throw them away of course,” says the American.
“Ha!” exclaims the Frenchman. “We collect them in containers,
take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes
out is chewing gum that we sell in America!”
Why do blondes have orgasms?
So they know when to stop having sex!
Who Gets The Egg
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen’s eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, “In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up; whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.”The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts, howling in agony for 30 minutes.Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, “Now it’s my turn to kick you.”The Scotsman said, “Keep the damn egg.”
Foul play
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.
“What would you say if I told you that I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively.
“Well,” he mused, “I’d have to say that you’re a lesbian!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
Alabama Farmer
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
A whale rosted
yo momma is so fat a whale started singing we are family even though your bigger than me
I only ordered a double
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
Drunk Football
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, “What the hell was that?”
He replies, “Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.”
She thinks to herself, “I’m gonna fix him.”
Then she lets one loose. He yells at her, “What was that?”
She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”
Now he thinks, “I’m gonna fix her.” He’s laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, “Now what the hell was that?”
He replied, “Half time, switch sides.”
Space
Once upon a time NASA decided to send three astronauts to space for two years. One was American, One was Russian and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, and the Russian decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause. Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked “Has anyone got a match?”
SHE OWES
YA MOMMA SO OLD SHE STILL OWES JESUS FOOD STAMPS.