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Painting Contractor

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A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the
first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “GREEN SIDE UP!”.

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”.

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”.

The lady then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘green side up’?”.

“I’m sorry,” came the reply. “But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.”

GOD TAKES A HOLIDAY

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God is sitting up in his ivory tower, tired and worn out. he’s had enough of
the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he’s decided to take a
holiday. he calls all his super-being mates together to discuss a few
suggestions.
st. peter, thinking, nods his head, and then says, “how about mars? it’s nice
and warm there this time of year.” god shakes his head before answering, “nah i
went there 15,000 years ago. it was s***, no atmosphere and too dusty.”
“what about pluto?” suggests another? “no way!” god mutters. “i went there
10,000 years ago. f****** freezing it was too.”
“what about mercury?” says another? “are you kidding?” says god. “i went there
5,000 years ago, i nearly burnt me bollix off it was that hot, never again.”
“i’ve got it,” says st. peter, his face lighting up. “how about going down to
earth for your vacation?”

“you must be joking,” says god, chuckling, “i went there 2,000 years ago,
knocked up some jewish bird, and they’re still bloody talking about it.”

The Cure

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A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can
do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious, but can be cured by
inserting a suppository up his anal passage.
The man agrees and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tell him to bend over
and shoves the thing way up his behind.
The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in
six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second
suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to
obtain the required depth.
He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.
The wife nods, put one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other
shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams, “Arrgghhhh!”
“What’s the matter?” asked the wife, “Did I hurt you?”
“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he
had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

Manolo y Venancio van de

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Manolo y Venancio van de cacer�a, pero como no ten�an perros, deciden ir a la casa de un amigo a conseguirlos. El camarada les presta tres de sus mejores perros.

Dos horas m�s tarde, los tontilandeses regresan con el amigo:

��No tienes otros tres perros m�s que nos prestes?�

��Otros tres?�, pregunta asombrado el amigo.

��S�, es que los otros tres perros que nos prestaste ya los cazamos!�

Nudist Colony

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A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6-foot blonde walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.

Blonde: “Sir, did you call for me?”

New Man: “No, I just got here.”

Blonde: “You must be new here, it’s a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me.” The blonde lies down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes toward him.

Huge Man: “Sir, did you call for me?”

New Man: “No, I just got here.”

Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, and it implies you called for me.” The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist…

New Man: “Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500.”

Receptionist: “But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities….”

New Man: (Rudely interrupting) “Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.”

$1.45

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This guy was getting married and was worried about his
honeymoon, so he went to the sex specialist and told him her his
story and she said “ok, heres what you do, practice bouncing
this quarter on your stomach and when youve got it came see me
in a week”. So he went home and started
practicing,”quarter,quarter,quarter,quarter”.He went back in a
week as instructed and said “Doctor,Doctor!!!!,ive got it!
Quarter,quarter,quarter,quarter”. “DR” “Very good, now i want
to practice doing that and bouncing these 2 dimes on each side
of your hip’s and when youve done that come back in a week”.So
he went home and started to practice, “Quarter dime dime,
quarter dime dime, quarter dime dime,quarter dime dime”. He went
back in a week as instructed and said ” Docter Doctor!!!!! ive
got it!!! “QUarter dime dime,Quarter dime dime,quarter dime
dime, quarter dime dime”. “DR” “Great, now i want you to
practice doing that while bouncing this dollar on your back and
when youve done that come back in a week.( in one week he gets
married).So he goes home and starts practicing “Quarter dime
dime dollar, quarter dime dime dollar, quarter dime dime
dollar,quarter dime dime dollar”. He went back in one week as
instructed and said “Doctor Doctor!!!!!! ive got it! Quarter
dime dime dollar, quarter dime dime dollar,quarter dime dime
dollar,quarter dime dime dollar” “DR” “Excelent! now have a
great time on your honeymoon”. So he got married and its 10:00
pm and he is fucking her like he practiced saying in his head
“”Quarter dime dime Dollar, quarter dime dime dollar,quarter
dime dime dollar.quarter dime dime dollar” His wife
screams”Faster&Harder!” so he does and in his head agian hes
saying “Quarter dime dime Dollar, quarter dime dime
dollar,quarter dime dime dollar.quarter dime dime dollar” Agian
feeling great his wife say’s “Faster&harder!” “MAN” “$1.45!
$1.45! $1.45!

Drunk Driver

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A man stumbles out of a bar one night obviously drunk. He makes his way down the street knocking into everything in his path. A police officer watches him from a cruiser across the street. The man comes up to a parked car, fumbles around in his pockets, gets his keys, and proceeds to drive away. The police officer, unbelieving what he saw, pulls the man over a few blocks down the road. The man gives a breathalizer for the officer and to the officer’s amazement – the guy was stone cold sober.”I can’t belive it! I watched you walk to this car, drive erratic all the way down the road, and my machine says you have no alcohol in your system! How can that be???” “Oh that’s easy”, replies the man.”Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

Amendment 6

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In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a
speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the state and district
wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have
been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and
cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against
him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor,
and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.
– The Constitution of the United States of America Amendment 6, 1791