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From Reader’s Digest, June 1992:
I grew up in a non-musical family; only one of our five siblings can even carry a tune.
So, I’ve restricted my singing to private places like the bathtub or the car. But one night, I softly sang a lullaby to my nine-month-old baby.
After the first verse, he sweetly looked into my eyes, removed the pacifier from his mouth and placed it in mine.
This guy enters a restaurant, and orders a milkshake, “Not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove man, in the groove.”
The cook, who hates to be told how to cook, hears this and gets pissed off, but sends him the milkshake.
The guy then orders a box of fries, “Not too crisp, not too soft, but in the groove man, in the groove.”
The cook is getting really pissed off at this, but he rolls up his sleeves and gets him the box of fries.
Then the guy orders a hamburger, “Not too big, not too small, but in the groove man, in the groove.”
On hearing this, the cook storms out and charges up to the guy, and says, “You can just kiss my ass, not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but in the groove man, in the grooove.”
Men and women translate things totally differently.
When a woman comes up to a man and says, “I’m not wearing any underwear”,
The man is thinking, “Alright! Might get lucky tonight!”
But, if a man comes up to a woman and says, “I’m not wearing any underwear,”
The woman is thinking “Good Lord! I have to wash those pants TWICE!”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Q: How many university students does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one to phone the landlord to ask for the lightbulb to be changed.
“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.”If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.”If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.”If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.”That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!”
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
One day a tacher went to work and when she got there her class
was already in the room, she noticed a little boy scratching
his Penis Because it Hurt. She said whats going on. He Said my
penis hurts so bad. The teacher said go call your mom. When
the boy got back in the room the teacher wasnt there so he asked
his class mate where she went . When the teacher came back in
the room she seen the boy with his penis out of his pants. She
said what are you doing and he said my mom would come at noon
and she said stick it out till noon.
There was this really loser guy at collage one day. he was really unpopular so he got the guts to go ask a girl how could he make the girls like him!? SO, she told him to put a potato in his pants! so hes like OK~ if that will help! so the next day he is walking around an everyone is laughing at him and so he goes back up to the girl he asked and said y is everyone laughing at me?? she says well maybe next time u SHOULD PUT IT IN THE FRONT!
The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, ‘Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?’
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, ‘By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?’
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, ‘Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!’
Yo mamma’s so stupid she got trapped in a bathroom and wet her pants!
A farmer is helping a cow give birth when he notices his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, witnessing the entire thing.
�Dammit,� the man says to himself. �Now I�m going to have to explain the birds and the bees.� Not wanting to jump the gun, the man decides to wait and see if his son asks any questions.
After everything is finished, the man walks over to the boy and asks, �Well, son, do you have any questions?�
�Just one,� the child says. �How fast was that calf going when it hit that cow?�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
Salt Lake City is No. 1 in the world in Jell-O consumption. Says Jay
Leno, “But LA is still No. 1 if you include recreational use. You know
— naked wrestling, Jell-O shots.”
You’re a redneck if ….
You think God looks a lot like Hank Williams, Jr., and heaven looks a lot like
Daytona Beach, Florida.