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One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw
some rabbit shit. One of the boys said, “What is that?”
“They’re smart pills,” said the other boy. “Eat them and
they’ll make you smarter.”
So the boy ate them and said, “These taste like shit!”
“See,” said the other boy, “you’re already getting smarter.”
14. Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.
13. Enjoy being a Sophomore — It will be the best three years of your life.
12. Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it’s all fun and games until
someone loses their ‘nads.
11. Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.
10. Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative “home
pharmaceuticals” business.
9. If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.
8. Boring lecture? Start a wave!
7. College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle
dinner.
6. “I Phelta Thi” is *not* a real fraternity, except at state
colleges.
5. Remember – almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.
4. Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior
essay.
3. Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.
2. Don’t think of it as sleeping with your professor — think of it as “acing
Biology.”
1. In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your
breakfast cereal.
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
“Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?”
She looked at him and indignantly replied: “Well Duhhh!, I’m still winning.”
Ya gotta feel sorry for all them convicts in New Hampshire, stampin’
out license plates that say “Live free or Die.”
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent.
Aplicando los avances de la tecnolog�a, los cient�ficos estadounidenses hab�an inventado una m�quina que atrapaba ladrones. Luego de ciertas pruebas, los gringos deciden comprobar en distintos pa�ses la eficacia de la m�quina y la mandan por primera vez a Chile. En menos de 10 minutos la m�quina hab�a atrapado 500 ladrones.
Muy a gusto, los yanquis la env�an a Uruguay; en menos de 15 minutos la m�quina hab�a atrapado 1000 ladrones.
Completamente seguros de su eficacia, la env�an al mercado central de Argentina… La desgracia fue que no hab�an pasado ni cinco segundos cuando ya se hab�an robado la m�quina.
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?” “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” he explained. “It took us awhile to find a new pilot.”
Real Mothers . . .
Real Mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to makeit.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn’t come out of shag carpets.
Real Mothers don’t want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask “why me?” and get their answer when a little voice says, “because I love you best.”
Real Mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.
A man named Jose went to America to see the Yankees vs. the Red Socks. When he got the ticket, it said nosebleed section. He did not care what section he was in. Anyway, it was game day. Everyone stood for the National Anthem. When Jose got home, he said, “Mama, they made a song in America just for me.” “How does it go, mijo?” “It goes Jose can you see!
what is cheaper? large bag of corn nuts or deer nuts.
answer corn nuts are around 2.99 and deer nuts are under a buck
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and thevalue of nothing.An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets allthe wounded.A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun isshining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things hepredicted yesterday didn’t happen today.A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks thepersonality to be an accountant.An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, becausethat decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on theplane. (Laurence J. Peter)A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know youhad in a way you don’t understand.A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black catwhichisn’t there. (Charles R. Darwin)A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between acoffee cup and a doughnut.A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls ita “brief.” (Franz Kafka)A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautifulwoman enters the room.A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think s/heliked children.A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist andtells you the time.A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a waythat you will look forward to the trip.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in
France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce,
and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of
booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices?
Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat
chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the
weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out,
and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they
are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up
this essay, I end it.