Author: admin

SkinnyDipping

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The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the
nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming outfit, but who cared ? He was all
alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of
cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.

He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the
sandy beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with
relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then one of the ladies began conversing with him. “You know, I have a special
gift. I can read minds.”

Wanting to dispense with the women, the embarrassed man sharply said, “Well, I
seriously doubt you can read mine.”

“You’re wrong,” the lady replied, “because I know that you *think* that the
bucket you’re holding has a bottom in it.”

Dads a Lawyer

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While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

“My name is Joshua. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Adam,” replied the second.

“My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?” asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, “My daddy is a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Joshua.

“No, just the regular kind,” replied Adam.

Submitted by Calamjo

US Naval Communications

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This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL
BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Tech Support Fun

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A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was ‘running it under Windows.’ The woman then responded, ‘No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.’ Tech Support: ‘How much free space do you have on your hard drive?’ Customer: ‘Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?’ Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: ‘I’d like a mouse mat, please.’ Salesperson: ‘Certainly sir, we’ve got a large variety.’ Customer: ‘But will they be compatible with my computer?’ Customer: ‘Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?’ Customer: ‘So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?’ Tech Support: ‘Yeah.’ Customer: ‘And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?’ Tech Support: ‘Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.’ Customer: ‘My computer crashed!’ Tech Support: ‘It crashed?’ Customer: ‘Yeah, it won’t let me play my game.’ Tech Support: ‘Alright, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot.’ Customer: ‘No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.’ Tech Support: ‘Huh?’ Customer: ‘I crashed my game. That’s what I said before. Now it doesn’t work.’ Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship. Tech Support: ‘Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.” Customer: [pause] ‘Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?’

Little boy’

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found. So he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab for my ‘thingy’ and pull yourself up.” And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Holy Mother

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A recent Irish League match between Newry and Larne, the visitors were awarded
a penalty and the captain summoned his best player and said, ‘I want you to take
this one, Patrick. Just think hard as you kick -think which way the wind is
blowing, and think which direction the keeper’s going to jump.’
‘Holy Mother!’ said Patrick. ‘Do you expect me to think and kick at the same
time?’