How many [ethnic] people does it take to make love?
Three, two to do it, and one to read the instructions.
Author: admin
Macho Mice
Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, “You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat ’em like candy.”The second mouse, not to be outdone says, “Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it.”The third mouse says, “You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I’d love to keep hangin’ out with you here, but I gotta go screw the cat.”
Hiding in the Trees
A brunette, a red head, and a blonde robbed a wawa. They escaped to a
forest. The brunette went up the first tree, the red head the second tree,
and the blonde climed the third. A little while later the cops showed up.
The cop went up to the trunk of the first tree and said, “I think there’s
some one up there.” So the brunette made an owl noise. The cop moved to
the second tree and said, “I think there’s someone up there.” So the red
head made a squirrel noise and the cop said, “No its just a squirrel.” He
then moved to the third tree and the blonde said, “Moo….”
Bus Trance
There was a young lady from france
who got on a bus in a trance
everyone f***** her
apart from the conductor
but he came twice in his pants.
Blind question and answer jokes
Q: Why don’t blind people skydive?A: It scares the heck out of the dog.
Heaven vs. Hell
One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him what he wanted him to do.
After God had briefed him on his mission, the minister decided to ask him a
question.
�God,� he said, �What is heaven like?�
God replied, �Well, normally I don’t tell people this, but since you are my
servant, I guess I can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It will have the
best of everything. For example, the French will be the chefs; the Italians will
be the lovers; the English will be the policeman; the Germans will be the
mechanics; and the Dutch will be the politicians!�
The man looked pleased. �What is hell like?� he asked.
�Well,� he said with a sigh, �the French will be the mechanics; the Italians
will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the Germans will be the
policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers.�
The Healer
A semi-crippled Libertarian came into a bar and with difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the bar stool, pulled himself up and asked for a sip of whiskey. He looked down the bar and asked, “Is that Jesus down there?” The bartender nodded and the Libertarian told him to give Jesus a whiskey also. The next patron was an ailing Republican with a hunched back who moved slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of wine. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus. The bartender nodded and the Republican said to give Him a glass of wine also. The third patron, a Democrat, swaggered in and said “Barkeep, give me a cold beer. Hey, is that Jesus down there?” The barkeep nodded, and the Democrat told him to give Jesus a cold one too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over and touched the Libertarian and said, “For your kindness, you are healed!” The Libertarian felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig all the way to the door. Jesus touched the republican and said, “For your kindness you are healed!” The Republican felt his back straighten. He danced with joy and did a flip. As Jesus walked toward the Democrat, the Democrat jumped back and exclaimed, “Don’t touch me, I’m drawing disability!”
Drive-through
The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant
owned by two blondes:
�Parking for drive-through customers only!�
Big fart
The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor “Big Chief no fart.”
The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day.
The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, “Big Chief no fart.”
The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten pills an hour.
The girl comes back the next day and says, “Big Chief no fart.”
After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her to give him a jar an hour.
The next day the girl comes back crying and says “Big fart no Chief!”
Miss America
In an American history discussion group, the professor was
trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with
time.
“For example,” he said, “take the 1921 Miss America. She stood
five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had
measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s
version of the contest?”
The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up,
“Not very well.”
“Why is that?” Asked the professor.
“For one thing,” the student pointed out, “She’d be way too old!”
Japanese Banking Crisis
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of
ameliorating. If anything, it’s getting worse.
Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that
Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its
branches.
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff
at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff
there fear they may get a raw deal.
Modern-time maxims for the Internet
Modern-time maxims for the Internet age
Home is where you hang your @
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Speak softly and carry a cell phone.
C: is the root of all directories.
Don’t put all your hypes in one homepage.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
The modem is the message
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
A chat has nine lives.
Don’t byte off more than you can view.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Modulation in all things.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
There’s no place like http://www.home.com
Know what to expect before you connect.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice.
Speed thrills.