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The Top 15 Signs You Won’t Be Giving a Commencement Speech

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15> Every time you get close to a microphone, your Ethel Merman compulsion takes over.

14> “That’s my monthly Vegas weekend. Can you move the ceremony to Monday?”

13> Even a graduation gown won’t hide that ankle bracelet.

12> A great Jedi you may be. A great orator not are you!

11> You are, most unfortunately, too engrossed with unraveling the Chicken of the Sea Paradox to impart your wisdom to appetent youth.

10> “What Would Omarosa Do?” is not a hot topic right now.

9> Working the graveyard shift at the convenience store, you generally don’t wake up until late afternoon.

8> You are in the middle of a very important court case. Also, you live with a chimp.

7> You were class valedictorian, only without the “vale” or the “torian.”

6> Your crowning achievement is membership in ClubTop5.

5> Not only are you a proud C student, but three years in, you still pronounce it “nook-culer.”

4> The only thing you’re about to commence is 25-to-life.

3> You can’t even look at tassels without waving a folded-up dollar bill in the air.

2> No shirt, no shoes, no speech.

1> Your highest “degree” is an honorary mail-order GED.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

Equal Opportunity

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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: HELP WANTED Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, “Meow.”

The Curse

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A woman walks up to a wizard and says, “Excuse me could you
remove this curse I’ve been under for the last 30 years?” The
wizard says, “Sure, but you’ll need to tell me the exact words
that were used for the curse.” She replies, “Sure. It was, ‘I
now pronounce you man and wife.'”

Six Foot Cockroach

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A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there. The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off.

The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away.

The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off. The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life.

The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thinks for a moment and says, “Yes, there is a nasty bug going around.”

25 Ways to Annoy a Yankee

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1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.3. When giving directions, finish with “and it’s right down yonder on the left.” Confuses the mess out of ’em.4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell ’em “Delta’s ready when you are!”6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy ’em!)8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus.9. Offer to send ’em a bottle of fresh air.10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)11. Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If anyone ever says the words “Civil War”, always interject that “there was nothing civil about it.”12. Address all males as “son” and females as “little lady”.13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It’s “Pah-kahn” not “Pee-can”. (Amen)14. Put Tabasco on everything.15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say “Yo, I’m from upstate New Yoik!”,say “Well, I’ll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!”16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.17. Name all of your children “Bubba”. (or just call em that!)18. Use the word “reckon” in a sentence and watch their reaction.19. “Mash” buttons. “Cut” off lights. “Carry” the kids to school.20. Never simply “do” something. Be “fixin to do” something.21. Tell them you don’t have an accent, they do.22. Be sure to include “yes/no ma’am/sir” in all conversations…Offends the heck out of ’em.23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. “Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there…” “You said left.” “Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town..”24. Ask them if it’s still snowing up North. Then tell ’em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.25. Call ’em a yankee. Works every time.

Whisky and Worms

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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.”Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.”Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”

Blood Transfusion

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The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead
on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered
to prepare the body for the undertaker. Removing his clothes,
she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive
ERECTION she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it, she
finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled
the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse
came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene
behavior. “What’s the harm?” shot back the first nurse. “I
enjoyed it, and HE surely didn’t mind it. Besides, he can’t
complain and I can’t get pregnant. Why don’t you give it a try
too?”

“Oh, I can’t possibly,” said the second nurse, blushing. “First,
he’s dead and second, I’ve got my period. Anyway, listen, the
doctor is looking for you.” And so the first nurse left.

The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly
excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of
it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel
the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting
to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, “I thought you were dead!”
“Lady, I thought I was too,” said the man, “until you gave me
that blood transfusion.”