you so poor I walked in the front door and out the back.
Author: admin
Bingo Card
The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says “Honey, look what I won at bingo”.
Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says,”Honey look what I won at bingo”.
Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says “Honey, look what I won at bingo”.
The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks – “Honey shall I draw you a bath?” To which she replies “Why sure”.
As the wife enters the tub she notices there is less than a inch of water in the tub.
She asks “how am I supposed to take a bath in this amount of water?”
To which the husband replies…
“I wouldn’t want you to get your bingo card wet”!
I want to buy a golf ball
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.Finally the pro askes her what she wants. “I can’t find any green golf balls,” the blonde golfer complains.The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, “Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?””Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!”
Employee Handbook
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag,
we assume you are doing well financially and, therefore, you do not need a
raise.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are
called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every
year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.
Breasts Like A Teenager
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her a while then says, “You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?”
She says, “I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.” She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, “Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?”
She says, “Well, your name never came up.”
Animal Trickery
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, “Boyo, I’m in deep doodoo now.”….
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “Man, That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
“Whew”, says the leopard.” That was close. That dog nearly had me.”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put his knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks,” What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, “Where’s that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he’s still not back!!”
Got Burnt
A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher:
Teacher: Morning Tommy, and why weren’t you at school yesterday?
Tommy: Well Miss, my Grandad got burnt.
Teacher: Oh Dear, he wasn’t too badly hurt I hope?
Tommy: Oh yes Miss, they don’t fuck around at those crematoriums.
Training Iraqi Pilots
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A. You only have to teach them to take off.
Women and Condoms
Why are women and condoms so similar?
Because they’re either on your dick or in your wallet.
your mama so ugly she cant even get a blind…
your mama so ugly she cant even get a blind date
Brand Name Condoms
Which condom would you use?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you use it?
Don’t you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey — you never know.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can’t have just one.
The Tearful Bride…
The Tearful Bride…
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”
“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”
“No, mother,” you don’t understand.
“I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!”
“Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!” says her mom.
“Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”
“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.”
“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”
“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said –
‘Prepare from a frozen state,’ so I flew to Alaska!”