Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men -Women’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” its “Hi, how are you?” -Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. -Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N. Carolina A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. -Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas,Texas Express Lane: Five beers or less. -Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA You’re too good for him. -Sign over mirror Women’s room, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hills, CA No wonder you always go home alone. -Sign over mirror in Men’s room, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open. -Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can’t take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington. -Men’s room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington Beauty is only a light switch away. -Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. -Armand’s Pizza, Washington, D.C. Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die. -Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. -Men’s restroom, Lynagh’s, Lexington, KY
Author: admin
Ironic News
What do you call it when something happens that’s the exact opposite of what you’d expect? We know there’s a word for it, but, ironically, we can’t think of it right now. Anyway, there seems to be a whole lot of it popping up in the news these days. See for yourself:
AmeriDebt has filed for bankruptcy.
The forest where Smokey the Bear was found in 1950 has gone up in flames.
At Woodlawn High School in Woodlawn, Md., two people were arrested and 11 students were suspended when a brawl broke out during an anger management assembly.
The National Weather Service postponed a tornado drill in Florida because of bad weather.
A meeting to decide if the town of Deal, England, needs a larger school was post-poned because the school was too small to hold the people who wanted to attend the meeting.
…and then Adam said to Eve,…
…and then Adam said to Eve,
“Hey! I wear the plants in this family!”
Gnats
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Gnats.
Gnats who?
Gnats not funny! Open up.
the english cat and the french cat
there was an english cat called one two three and there was a
french cat called un don twa
any way they decided to hav a race across the english channel
the one two three cat made it but the un don twa cat sank
Men’s Advice To Women
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up, put it down.
3. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Get rid of your cat.
5. Sunday = TV Sports.
6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
7. You have too many shoes.
8. Crying is blackmail.
9. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
10. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
11. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
12. Simple “yes” and “no” are perfectly acceptable answers.
13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
14. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
16. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
17. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.
18. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
19. You have enough clothes.
20. Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.
How do you change a blonde’s mind?…
How do you change a blonde’s mind?
Blow in her ear.
Watch the Bear Traps
A man was going to the dentist to get some teeth pulled. The dentist was about to give the man some local anesthesia to numb the pain.
“Don’t give me any drugs doc, I can take the pain.” the man said.
The doctor pulled the first tooth out and the man just grunted. Then the doctor attempted to pull the second tooth, only this one snapped in half. But again the man just grunted. “Wow, that sure is a lot of pain just to grunt at, have you ever felt pain like that before?” asked the amazed dentist.
“Well, twice actually.” said the man, “The first time was when I was out in the woods and had to take a crap really bad. I pulled down my pants and jumped over this log. Just then a bear trap closed on my balls and I started running….”
“Damn that must have hurt.” the dentist interrupted. “What was the second time?”
“Oh, that would have been when the bear trap came to the end of it’s chain.”
The game of golf!
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
You’ve changed my mind
Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?”Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I�m beginning to think I didn�t.”
BLOND
There was some people an a plane and they threw a appl, and orange, and a bomb out the window. When they landed they decided to go on a walk and there was a boy cyring and they asked why are you crying and he said a apple came out of the sky and hurt my dog, so they went on and saw this girl crying and they asked why are you cryin and the girl said a orange came out of the sky and hurt my cat so they went on and saw a blond laughing and they said whats so funny and she said i farted and the building behind me blew up!!!
flat tyre
A motorist from the big city filled up at a small petrol station and found he had a flat tyre. He went to the garage store and asked an attendant: “Have you an air line here?” The attendant replied: “No, but there is usually a bus every hour.”