Although the moon is less than half the size of the earth,
it is further away.
Author: admin
$200 breasts
A guy stops over his friends house and only the wife is home. She invites him in. He says, I’ll give you $100 if you show me one of your breasts. She agrees and shows him one.
He pulls another $100 bill out of his pocket and says I’ll give you this other $100 if you show me your other breast.
She agrees and shows him the other one.
He says that was really nice, thanks her and leaves. When her husband gets home she tells him that his buddy stopped over.
He says “great, did he drop off the $200 he owes me?”
Hairlip paratrooper
Halfway thru bootcamp the hairlip calls home to his buddy. Man this is tough, the drill seargent took three of us way up in a plane.He opened the door and told the first guy JUMP!! and the guy did. He grabbed the next guy and said JUMP!! and he did.He looked at me and said JUMP!! I told him no i just can’t. He pulled out his big thang and said, you jump or i’m gonna screw you with this. My goodness said his buddy, did you jump? Well yeah said the hairlip, a little bit right at first.
Bill’s wedding night
Right after the wedding, in bed, in a fancy hotel, Mr. and Mrs. Bill Gates decided to name the new company together.
Mrs. Gates: How about we name it after your penis?
BILL: Why the hell would we do that?
Mrs. Gates: Oh, I don’t know. I always did like the name Microsoft.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
My sister used to work
My sister used to work for the government, but now she has seniority.
A cool Joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wat is the mammal of the sea called…..Whale whale!!!!!!!
HA HA HA HA
Lightbulbs
QUESTION: How many dogs are needed to change a light bulb?
Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie:
Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Dachshund:
You know I can’t reach that damned stupid lamp!
Rottweiler:
Make me.
Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Jack Russell Terrier:
I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Poodle:
I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher:
While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark……
Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I’ve got this hangover…..
Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there….
Greyhound:
It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd:
First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?
German Shepherd:
Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID,
STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!
Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
Knock KnockWho’s there?Doctor!Doctor who?You just
Knock KnockWho’s there?Doctor!Doctor who?You just said it!
Keeping a blond buisy
How do you keep a blond buisy?
Put them in a rond room a tell them to piss in the corner!
Dubya, Obviously Not
One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby. They arrived and Dubya’s friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it. After Dubya was finished he said, “Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?”
Smart Shepherd
A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new
Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward him and stopped.
The driver, a 24-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray
Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd,
“If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give
me one?”
The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing flock,
and calmly answered, “Sure.”
The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it
to a cell phone, and surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a
GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and
some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 150-page
report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and
said, “You have here exactly 1,586 sheep.”
“Amazing! That’s correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my sheep,” said
the shepherd.
The shepherd watched the man make a selection and bundle it into his
Cherokee.
When he was finished the shepherd said, “If I can tell you exactly
what your political persuasion is, where you’re from and whom you work for, will
you give me my sheep back?”
“Okay, why not,” answered the young man.
“You’re a Democrat from Palm Beach and you’re working for Jesse Jackson,” said
the shepherd.
“Wow! That’s correct,” said the young man. “How did you ever guess that?”
“Easy,” answered the shepherd. “Nobody called you, but you showed up here
anyway. You want to be paid for providing a solution to a question for which I
already knew the answer. And, you don’t have any idea what you’re doing because
you just took my dog.”
Swimming head
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms.
The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast.
The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.
He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, “Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown