The Dead Dog

There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her
everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and
realized that her dog wasn’t at her feet. She found him in his bed ”sleeping”.
She called his name, but he didn’t get up. So she took him to the vet and told
the vet that her dog wouldn’t wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ”Your
dog is dead”. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.
The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was
a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back
in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said
again, ”Your dog is dead”.

She was like ”Ok, how much do I owe you?”

The doctor said ”$300”

She said, ”What!?!? How could it cost that much??”

He said ”$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan”

Being Married to a Blind Man

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, “My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.”

The second deaf man signed back, “Boy you’re lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.”

The first deaf man asked, “So, what did you do?”

The second man replied, “I turned out the light.”

Befits of Obesity

Obesity has been getting a lot of bad press recently. Research conducted entirely by thin people, has uncovered justification for their own masochistic obsessive-compulsive, fun-killing anal retentative lifestyles.

One of the great problems with research, of course, is that the researchers tend to find what they’re looking for. And when they find it, they stop looking for other things. It’s important, therefore, not to believe research by pressure groups that start with preconceived ideas.

Examples of findings not to believe: research on the benefits of exercise by phys. Ed. Department, on the hazards of cholesterol by an anorexic and on the joy of obesity by an overweight G. P. The whole obesity phobia was started by some statistics from a life insurance company purporting to show that people who were overweight didn’t live as long as people who were underweight. These were very raw figures and led to some unwarranted conclusions.

First, it was assumed that if the overweight group lost weight they’d live longer. This was totally unproved. It never will be proved, as there are just not enough people to study who’ve lost weight permanently. [95% of those who lose weight gain it back again within 5 years -ed] [and the yo-yo effect of losing then gaining many pounds repeatedly causes a greater health risk than staying overweight. -ed]

Second, it did not address the possibility that the obese group might have another factor affecting lifespan. It seems this is very likely, since the Framington Study showed that if diabetics and those with heart disease were removed from the obese group, the obese group lived longer.

Let’s list some benefits of obesity:

Overeating Is Fun. Make a list of all the pleasures that are in this life and you’ll find the list isn’t very long. The one pleasure that’s life-long and never pales is eating.

Carrying Fat Is Good Exercise. If you believe in exercise (I don’t), surely carrying around 20 or 30 pounds of fat all day should be good for you.

Obese People Are Nicer People. This is not just a hasty remark, but the result of careful clinical observation. I’ve seen an average of 20 patients a day for 30 years. I can tell you that these people are more jolly, more kind, more forgiving and just generally nicer. Although it could be the other way round, losing weight and keeping it off, is so rare that only obsessive-compulsives are able to do it. This may be admirable, but obsessive-compulsives aren’t relaxing people to be with. [I agree. Really thin and athletic people are that way usually from a driving goal-oriented personality. In short, they are assholes. -ed.]

Obese People Represent Superior Adaptation. In days gone by, there were many advantages to being able to convert excess food into fat. The long winters were better survived by those with a reserve of calories.

Climatic Adaptation. Obese people can survive cold better. In particular, their cold-water survival ability has been demonstrated many times.

Obese People Make Better Lovers. This is a fact known to romantics the world over. Bony lovers can never compete with what G.K. Chesterston referred to as the “promise of pneumatic bliss.”

Anorexia, a terrible condition, is rare among obese people.
Those who consider the highly trained athlete to be the ideal human might want to consider the greatest duration runner of the animal kingdom, the pronghorn antelope of Wyoming. It can run 95km/h for an hour. It has tremendous lungs, an amazing cardiac output and a maximum oxygen uptake that might deplete the Earth’s resources. So why didn’t this marvel of nature become a widespread species? Since these antelopes have no body fat, and can standneither cold nor lack or food, few survive the Wyoming winter.

Think about it.

Animal trainer

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.

Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man’s only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, “Ladies before Gentleman.”

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,… then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking.

She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger’s face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, “That’s quite an act,… Think you can do better than that?”

The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, “No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!”

Titanic vs Clinton

Titanic vs. Clinton (some amazing similarities)TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON VIDEO: Let’s not go there.TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica’s forced to return her gifts.TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton’s approval rating is at 70%TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.

Proud father

When his wife gave birth to a healthy baby, a proud father went in to work and told everybody that he has a 10Kg healthy son.

After hearing what was going on, the wife tells the father to quit telling everybody that the baby is 10Kg because he’s only 4 Kg.

Next day at work, the father comes in and tells everyone that the baby is only 4 Kg.

“What do you mean, he was 10 yesterday?”
“Umm, well that was before he got circumcised”.