Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.
Author: admin
Not On Your Anniversary!
Top Ten Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary
10. Today is our what?
9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.
8. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.
7. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
6. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
5. I thought we only celebrated important events?
4. Having sex doesn’t count as a gift?
3. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
2. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex.
1. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
Entra un sordomudo en una
Entra un sordomudo en una tienda de confecci�n para comprar unas bragas para su mujer, y el dependiente le pregunta:
“�Qu� desea?”
El sordomudo le escribe en un papel: “Unas bragas para mi mujer”.
El dependiente le escribe: “�Blancas?”
El sordomundo le responde con la cabeza que no.
Le vuelve a escribir: “�Rojas?”
El sordomudo le contesta lo mismo. Y as� con varios colores hasta que el dependiente le dice:
“�Qu� color quiere?”
El sordomudo le escribe en el papel: “Transparentes”.
El dependiente le pregunta intrigado: “Transparentes, �por qu�?”
Y el sordomudo le escribe:
“Es que as� le puedo leer los labios cuando ella me lo pide.”
Big city church
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big city church.
“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.
“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.
“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
“Pew,” Charlie retorted.
“Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Xmas time
Little Jonny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.The shrink said, ‘Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Luke what he wants Santa to bring him. If He cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gifts or gifts he requests.’Two days before Christmas, Luke’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. ‘I want a damn teddy bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.’On Christmas morning, little Luke woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.When Luke walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, ‘What did Santa bring you this year?’Luke replied, ‘I think I got a dog but I can’t find the son-of-a-bitch!’
Republicans announced today that they are…
Republicans announced today that they are changing their emblem from the
elephant to a condom as it more clearly reflects the party’s political
stance.
The condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages
cooperation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of security
while screwing others.
50 Elevator Pranks
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ‘It’s a Small World’ incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you’re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you’re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: “Got enough air in there?”
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, “Admiral”.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I’ve got new socks on!”
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, “Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!”
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter “Gotta go, gotta go,” then sigh and say, “oops!”
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say “Mmmm…tasty!”
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, “Is that your beeper?”
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, “Ding!” at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, “I wonder what all these do,” and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space”.
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting larger.”
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, “Bad touch!”
Just because you are paranoid
Just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean they are not out to get you.
Hockey
Why do Canadians always do it doggie-style?
So they can both watch the hockey game.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Amateur Photographer
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented “These are very good! You must have a good camera.”
He didn’t make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said “That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots.”
your mom is so stupid she failed a blood test…
your mom is so stupid she failed a blood test
Barking dog
A man noted for his tact was awakened one morning at 4 a.m by his ringing telephone.
“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an irritated voice.
The man thanked the caller, and politely asked his name before hanging up.
The next morning at 4 a.m he called his neighbor back.
“Sir,” he said, “I don’t have a dog.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo