Why do so many Scottish people have double glazing on their windows?
To stop there children from hearing the ice cream van!
Author: admin
There are three blondes washed up on an island….
There are three blondes washed up on an island.
Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown
haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so
instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat
and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.
The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
Stolen
A man walked out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A street cop on his beat sees the guy and approaches him.
“Can I help you, sir?” said the cop.
“Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!” the man replied.
The policeman asked, “Where was the car the last time you saw it?”
“It wassss at the end of thisss key.” the man replied.
About that time, the officer looked down to see that the man’s dick was hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asked the man, “Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?”
The man looked down woefully and without missing a beat, moans “Oh, God. They got my girlfriend too!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
An IBM acronym
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
Tornadoes & Marriage
Why are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both start with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you always lose your house.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Hey!!!!
A man (Mike) and a woman (Sandra) were stranded on a deserted island for many years. They weren’t really in love, but they liked one another very well. They sort of depended on one another as “husband and wife” in their stranded situation.
The morning following a bad storm, a new guy (Joe) washed up on shore. After Joe got to feeling better and had a bit of rest and food, Joe and Sandra immediately realized they shared a VERY strong attraction for one another, but they realized that certain protocols would have to be observed to not upset Mike.
Mike, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, was just glad to have someone new to talk to. “This is wonderful! Now we’ll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts,” Mike commented enthusiastically. Joe was only too happy to help, and in fact volunteered to do the first shift. He climbed up the tall tower and stood watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships.
Soon Mike and Sandra started placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. Joe yelled down, “Hey, no screwing!”
Mike and Sandra looked at each other with a question on their faces, and yelled back, “We’re not screwing!”
A few minetes later, they started to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again Joe yelled down, “Heeey, no screwing!”
Again they yell back up to Joe, “We’re not screwing!”
Later they started putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again, Joe, the new man, yelled down from high above, “Hey, I said no screwing!!”
The two below yelled back up to Joe, “And we said we’re *not* screwing! Can’t you see that?”
Finally Joe’s eight hour shift was over and Joe climbed down from the tower and Mike started to climb up to take his place. By the time Mike got halfway up, Joe and Sandra were already screwing their brains out.
Once at the top, Mike turned around and looked down and said to himself, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing!”
Funniest Joke ever
darren blower playing senior with dolphin! ha ha ha ha ha ha ya right. love CON and THE WELL
Q. What do you call a woman who has lost…
Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A. Divorced.
Paul
Why did the police-man put him self in jail? Because he had no one to put in jail!!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Chloe!Chloe who?Chloe’s Encounters
Knock KnockWho’s there?Chloe!Chloe who?Chloe’s Encounters of the Third Kind!
Don Juan, Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. “I
am the most beautiful person in the world,” proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
“No, you’re not,” answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. “I am the smallest
person in the world,” shouted Tom Thumb. “No, you’re not,” said Sleeping
Beauty and Don Juan “I’ve had more lovers than any person in the world,”
announced Don Juan. “No, you haven’t” replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping
Beauty. Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they
needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in
the world, would be ideal.
Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he
would meet with them one at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in first and not
a minute later came out beaming. “I am the most beautiful person in the
world, Merlin said so.” In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as
had Sleeping Beauty. “I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin
agrees.” In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour
and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, “Who the hell
is Bill Clinton?”
Changing Light bulb
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We’re three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won’t light up?
Blonde: No, it’s working fine.
Operator: Then what’s the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.