When I wake up in the morning
Don’t want no coffee or tea
Just give me a few minutes
With Monica Lewinskyyyy…
Cuz’ I’m the President, baby
And I break all the rules
I got the United States caught
In the sex scandal blues.
Author: admin
A peek at Martha Stewart’s 1997 Calendar
Jan 1: Catch up on gardening–sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1997.
Jan 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
Jan 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
Jan 4: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
Jan 5: Lay Faberge egg.
Jan 6: Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.
Jan 7: Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Jan 8: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan 9: Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books; simply cross out the names of all the people you do not know.
Jan 10: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.
Jan 11: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Jan 12: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan 13: Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they’re all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.
Jan 14: Replace air in mini van tires with Glad air freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall.
Jan 15: MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
Jan 16: Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself
Jan 17: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o’-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
Jan 18: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.
Jan 19: Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.
Pretty pussy
Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“John, promise you won’t get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I’ve got a pretty pussy.”
“WHAT?” he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to the doctor’s office and through the reception area.
Without knocking he bursts into the doctor’s office.
The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself.
Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, “You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!”
The doctor replies, “I’m sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Knock Knock 83
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Harry!
Harry who?
Harry you been!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Harry!
Harry who?
Harry up and answer this door!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Havanna!
Havanna who?
Havanna a wonderful time wish you were here!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Hawaii!
Hawaii who?
Fine, until you knocked on the door!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Haydn!
Haydn who?
Haydn in this cupboard is boring!
“Llevo casado veinte a�os y
“Llevo casado veinte a�os y sigo enamorado de la misma mujer.”
“�Eso es maravilloso, qu� bonito…!”
“�Si? �Pues c�mo se entere mi mujer me mata!”
Beer test
“Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn’t drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Fully Erected Irish
What would happen if an Irish was walking blindfolded towards a
brick wall with a fully erect penis?
He’d break his nose.
Spelling
If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
The right way to spell POTATO shoud be GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU!
Bush’s Leadership
A husband and wife watched TV news: the cleanup at the World Trade Center and Pentagon; the videos of different countries around the world; crying with Americans over the events of the past few weeks; reporters updating and attempting to analyze political strategy; President Bush making speeches; the country coming together united; the decisive action President Bush is taking.
The wife turns to the husband and says, “I’m so thankful that George W. Bush is our President. He is doing such a wonderful job and showing a lot of character and strong leadership.”
The husband turns to the wife and says, “Oh, shut up, Tipper.”
Save a tree…eat a ……
save a tree…eat a beaver
Donkeys at Christmas
What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
Mule-tide greetings.
Handsaw Wank
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can’t hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, “I”, then at his knee, meaning, “need”, then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, “handsaw”. The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.
The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ”What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!”
The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ”I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.”