Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is colour-coded.”The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”
Author: admin
New Viruses!
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe just cant figyour out watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3. 5 percent margin of error. )
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints “Oh no you don’t” whenever you choose “Abort” from the “Abort” “Retry” “Fail” message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIANVIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVISVIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKEVIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
CONGRESSIONALVIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song(slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, “Read my docs. . . . No new files!” on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self defense”.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS – Claims that if you don’t send it a million dollars, it’s programmer will take it back. Use your virus scan, don’t let any of these viruses happen to your PC!
The best way to make
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
Entra un sordomudo en una
Entra un sordomudo en una tienda de confecci�n para comprar unas bragas para su mujer, y el dependiente le pregunta:
“�Qu� desea?”
El sordomudo le escribe en un papel: “Unas bragas para mi mujer”.
El dependiente le escribe: “�Blancas?”
El sordomundo le responde con la cabeza que no.
Le vuelve a escribir: “�Rojas?”
El sordomudo le contesta lo mismo. Y as� con varios colores hasta que el dependiente le dice:
“�Qu� color quiere?”
El sordomudo le escribe en el papel: “Transparentes”.
El dependiente le pregunta intrigado: “Transparentes, �por qu�?”
Y el sordomudo le escribe:
“Es que as� le puedo leer los labios cuando ella me lo pide.”
your mom is so stupid she failed a blood test…
your mom is so stupid she failed a blood test
Amateur Photographer
An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented “These are very good! You must have a good camera.”
He didn’t make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said “That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots.”
Not On Your Anniversary!
Top Ten Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary
10. Today is our what?
9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.
8. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.
7. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
6. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
5. I thought we only celebrated important events?
4. Having sex doesn’t count as a gift?
3. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
2. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex.
1. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
Big city church
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big city church.
“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.
“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.
“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
“Pew,” Charlie retorted.
“Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Republicans announced today that they are…
Republicans announced today that they are changing their emblem from the
elephant to a condom as it more clearly reflects the party’s political
stance.
The condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages
cooperation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of security
while screwing others.
Want Ad:…
Want Ad:
“For Sale: Antique Desk, suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.”
Q: How many Paul
Q: How many Paul Daniels does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: None. “And that’s magic !”
Xmas time
Little Jonny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.The shrink said, ‘Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Luke what he wants Santa to bring him. If He cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gifts or gifts he requests.’Two days before Christmas, Luke’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. ‘I want a damn teddy bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.’On Christmas morning, little Luke woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.When Luke walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, ‘What did Santa bring you this year?’Luke replied, ‘I think I got a dog but I can’t find the son-of-a-bitch!’