A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going tonight?” She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll screw anybody at any time, any where — your place or my place, it doesn’t matter to me.” The guy raises his eyebrows and says… “No kidding, what law firm do you work for?”
Author: admin
New Guy On The Job
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come
into his office.
“What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place
you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds
familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees
by their last name only… Smith, Jones, Baker… that’s all. I am to be
referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your
last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”
Kids Say The Darnest Things !!!!!
TEACHER: Jack, how old are you on your last birthday?
JACK: 7 years old
TEACHER: How old are you going to be on your next birthday?
JACK: 9 years old
TEACHER: That’s impossible!
JACK: No it’s not. I’m 8 today.
TEACHER: Mike, go to the map and show me where America is.
MIKE: Here it is !
TEACHER: Good. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Mike !!!
TEACHER: Didn’t you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes sir.
TEACHER: And didn’t I promise to punish you when you misbehave?
STUDENT: Yes sir. But since I didn’t keep my promise, you don’t need to keep yours.
COOL STUDENT: Teacher would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
TEACHER: No.
COOL STUDENT: Good ‘cos I didn’t do my homework.
TEACHER: Alfred, name one important thing that we have today and we don’t 10 years ago.
ALFRED: Me !!!
TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No. I’m Billy Anderson.
TEACHER: In this box I have a 10-foot snake.
STUDENT: You can’t fool me teacher ! Snakes don’t have feet !!!
HYGIENE TEACHER: How do you prevent deseases from biting insects?
WILLY: Don’t bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence using the word ‘I’
ELLEN: I is….
TEACHER: No Ellen always use “I am”.
ELLEN: Oh, alright. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
Yo mama is so ugly
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints
Crushing a man’s ego real fast!
30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man…
1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it’s cute.
3. Why don’t we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It’s OK, we’ll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no… a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won’t take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the ‘early bird’.
Cows
What do cows do for fun?
They multiply.
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.123. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, “Okay, guys, you can come out now.”
The blonde with two red ears
One day the blonde went to the doctors office with two red ears. The doctor happened to ask what happened to one ear and the blonde said well the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone i picked up the iron and placed to my ear. Then the doctor asked what happened to her other ear, “the son of a bitch called back!”
spencer/girl
11 years old
A quote on marriage
My opinions are my wife’s, and she says I’m lucky to have them.
Apsirin
Your momma is so fat . . .
She puts mayo on aspirin.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Plums!Plums who?Plums me
Knock KnockWho’s there?Plums!Plums who?Plums me that we’ll always be friends!
Piggy bank
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.
He asks his wife “What’s up with all the notes?”, to his wife which replies, “Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.”