The Darwin Awards are out for 2004 …Yes these are all true. They are finally out again. It’s an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And this year’s nominees in reverse order are:7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6′ 2 tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12 long and 3 in diameter. The tube’s other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was Major trauma.3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. His peers had never thought of the technician suspected of causing the blasts ‘bright’.AND THE WINNER…..1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own balls in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez’s scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez’s scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.NB: This last one wouldn’t normally count, because the idiot didn’t die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.
Author: admin
Christmas Parrot
One day, shortly before Christmas, a man was shopping for a gift for his children, and went into a pet store. The owner showed the man the usual array of pets, puppies, kittens, hamsters, etc., but the man said he was looking for something a little more unique.
The owner said, “I might have what you are looking for!”, and took the man into the back room, where a bedraggled looking parrot sat on a perch. “This is Chet. He is a perfect Christmas pet, because he sings Christmas songs.”
The owner took a Bic lighter out of his pocket, lit it, and held it under Chet’s right wing just far enough away to keep from singing the parrot’s feathers. Immediately Chet began to sing, “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.”
Then the owner held the lighter under Chet’s left wing, and the squawky sound of “Silent night. Holy night” poured out of Chet’s beak. The man bought the parrot on the spot, and took him home.
His children were gone when he got home, so he decided to check out Chet’ talent for himself, just to make sure he hadn’t been tricked. He lit a match, held it under Chet’s right wing, and sure enough the bird began singing “Jingle bells.”, just like before. Moving the match under Chet’s left wing produced the same results as in the pet store. “Silent Night.”
Being of a curious nature, the man decided to hold the match between Chet’s legs to see what would happen. Immediately the parrot began to sing, “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire.
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer’s victims and The Clintons’ hair styles have in common?A: They both look like the work of a butcher.
The crap
One time there where these three people they where at the top of a cliff and where each givien one wish to get off so the burnet jumped off and said I wish I was an eagle and she turned into an eagle. Next the redhead jumped off and said I wish I was a hawk and she turned into one. Then the blonde was running and fell and said crap and turned into a crap.
A monkey with a machine gun.
Q: What�s black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
A: A monkey with a machine gun.
Camping Tips
* When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep
the campsites on either side vacant.
* Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump
apart and eating all the ants.
* Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an
open fire.
* When smoking a fish, never inhale.
* A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot
enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
* The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
* Steer clear of parks named for landfills.
* While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife
has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe
paddle.
* Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry
in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been
proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
* Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from
navel before applying the match.
* You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north
side of your compass.
* You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a
plastic garbage bag with several geese.
* When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to
wipe your nose on.
* You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over
it with your car.
Drum joke
Q: How do you know when a drum solo’s really bad?A: The bass player notices.
Baseball
Your so stupid when your baseball coach said to go home you ran home crying.
Roofing
Two blondes were roofing a house. One would pull out a nail and then hammer it into the roof. Then he would pull out another nail, look at it, then throw it over his shoulder. Blonde two eventually saw what blonde one was doing, watched him a while and then said, “Why do you keep throwing out every other nail?”. The first blonde replied, “Because their point is on the wrong end.” The second blonde then said, “You airhead, those nails are for the other side of the roof!”
Twelve Days Of Christmas
Read this in the songs toon from the last one (12) to the first
one (1). I know you know the song.
1. One homosexual cow
2. Two fake nipples
3. Three genital warts
4. Four ballhairs
5. FIVE ORGASMS
6. Six candied dildos
7. Seven flavored condoms
8. Eight pimps-a-playing
9. Nine prison bitches
10. Ten dogs-a-humping
11. Eleven hookers hooking
12. Twelve crackheads tweaking
“Doctor, doctor, mi esposa cree
“Doctor, doctor, mi esposa cree que es un refrigerador.”
“No se preocupe. Ya se le pasar�.”
“S�, pero mientras tanto yo no puedo pegar un ojo en toda la noche, porque ella duerme con la boca abierta y la luz me da en la cara.”
Devil and golf
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple
of strokes. The golfer says to himself: “I’d give anything to sink this
next putt.”
A stranger walks up to him and whispers: “Would you give up a fourth of
your sex life?” The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer
will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put
him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, “OK.”
And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself: “Boy, if I could only get an eagle
on this hole.” The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be
worth another fourth of your sex life?” The golfer shrugs and says,
“Sure.” And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though
he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be
willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?”
The golfer says, “Certainly.” And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to
the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve
really not been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the
devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.”
“Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s Father O’Malley.”