Author: admin

New Slogans for Florida

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FLORIDA: If you think we can’t vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don’t like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of
the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We’ve been Gored by the bull of politics and we’re Bushed.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!
FLORIDA: What comes after 17, 311?
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.
FLORIDA: We don’t just cheat in football.
FLORIDA: We’re number one! Wait! Recount!

Or…

PALM BEACH COUNTY: So nice, we let you vote twice.
PALM BEACH COUNTY: We put the “duh” in Florida.
Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles.

Give Me A ….

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A brunette walks into a bar and says, “Gimme an ML.” The bartender says, ” What’s an ML?” She says, ” A Miller Light.”

Another Brunette walks in and says, “Gimme a BL.” The bartender says, “What’s a BL?” She says, “Bud Light.”

A dumb blonde walks in and says, “Gimme a 15.” The bar tender says,” What’s a fifteen?” She says,” 7&7, duh!”

Coast Clear

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It is 2 o’clock in the morning, a husband and wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings.

The husband picks it up and promptly slams it down after saying. “How the heck do I know, what am I, the weather man?”

His wife rolls over and asks, “who was that?”

The husband replies, “I don’t know, some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis

Internet es la amante de

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Internet es la amante de mi marido.

Es el sistema ideal para buscar una cosa y encontrar otra.

Es eso a lo que uno se conecta cuando quieres cortarte las u�as mientras esperas.

Fabuloso sistema para impedir que mi suegra llame por tel�fono.

Es un cursor en forma de reloj de arena.

Internet es la cybertierra prometida.

La mejor manera de distraer a tu novia para conocer a sus amigas.

Fifteen minutes into the flight

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Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain
announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is
nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but
we still have three engines left.”

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and
the flight will take an additional two hours. But don’t worry. We can fly just
fine on two engines.”

An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and our
arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don’t worry. We still have one
engine left.”

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, “If
we lose one more engine, we’ll be up here all day!”

A farmer was out working in his field one…

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A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of
Democrats came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and
turned over in the ditch. Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the
farmer if he has seen the car. “Yep” replied the farmer. “Where are
they?” asked the sheriff. “Over there”, replied the farmer pointing to
the ditch filled with fresh dirt. “You buried them?” asked the
sherrif, “Were they still alive?” Replied the farmer, “They said they
were, but you know how those people lie.”

Karate Chop

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There was a little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ”That was a karate chop from Korea.”The big guy went to the restroom and the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,”That was a karate chop from China.”The little guy got up and decided he wasn’t going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he’s on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender , ”Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears!”

Young Art

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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she
came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing
was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They
will in a minute.”

What’s the Difference

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We all know the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is 45 pounds, but…

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is the definition of “making love”?

A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

A: It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: What’s the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?

A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.

Q: What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?

A: Spits out the feathers.

Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme.

Ways to Confuse Your CoWorkers

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  • Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
  • Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
  • Insist that your e-mail address be “[email protected]” (or “[email protected]”)
  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
  • Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
  • Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
  • Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
  • Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.
  • Come to work in your pajamas.
  • Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
  • Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
  • Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”
  • Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
  • Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
  • Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
  • Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
  • Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
  • Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me I’ll be in the bathroom.”
  • No matter what anyone asks you, reply “Okay.”
  • Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
  • Grow mold in your coffee cup.
  • Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.
  • Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
  • When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my phone is ringing” and leave. Go get a coffee.
  • Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”
  • Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  • Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
  • Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.
  • “Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
  • Hang mistletoe over your desk.
  • Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.
  • While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive”.
  • Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
  • Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
  • For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
  • Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc… in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none… Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.” See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas.
  • Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
  • Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go to that executive meeting.
  • Put shaving foam on your bosses telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say “Sqwish.”
  • Subscribe your coworkers to those free trade journals. Give them wacky middle names. Example: Bobby “Pud” McNeel.
  • Change the message on the company voice mail system. Get “Creative”.