Yours Fun Portal !
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.
“What’s wrong dearest??” asked the confused husband.
“Oh darling,” sobbed the wife, “I was cleaning little Suzie’s room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bedm, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???”
“Well,” replied the man…
“I guess a spanking is out of the question?”
A man is in court. The Judges says,”on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?”
“Guilty”, said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted “You dirty rat!” The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued “….. and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead”?
“Guilty”, said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, “You dirty rotten stinking rat”!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, “I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?”
He replied “He is my next door neighbor”.
The Judge replied, “I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments”.
The man replied “NO, your Honor, you don’t understand.
Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn’t have one”!!!
Jack and Leroy were talking one day in the company lunch room. Leroy confessed that he had recently been having trouble with his woman. Leroy said they just didn’t have that “spark” anymore, and sex was practically non existent. He asked Jack, who was his best friend, if Jack and his wife ever seemed to have that problem. Jack said, “Leory, my friend, whenever my wife and I get into a slump, I find that it’s romance, man, romance. Candy, flowers and poetry that does the trick.” Leroy said “Romance, that romance shit don’t work for black folks and poetry?!?? Man, I can’t be saying off no poetry, that shit is for faggots.” Jack disagreed and stressed how romance spiced up his sex life with his wife. Leroy said ” OK, bro, I’ll give it try. What should I do?” Jack said, “You go to the flower shop, pick up some beautiful flowers. Stop and get a big box of chocolates, and then, when you walk through the door, you make up a poem You need to say something about their how beautiful they are, and explain to them the way you want to make love to them.” Leroy says “Give me an example.” Jack thinks a moment and says, “Well, here’s one that worked really well for me: “Beautiful blond hair, eyes like a dove Come here my darling, let’s make sweet love.” Leroy says “OK, that sounds easy, I’ll give it a try.” The next day, as Jack walks into the company lunch room, he sees Leroy. Leroy’s head is swollen and covered with bruises. Jack rushes over and says “What happened to you?” Leroy replies “I tried your fucking romance bullshit, that’s what happened!” “What did you do? “Took your advice, went, got some flowers, stopped and got some candy, walked in the door and recited some poetry.” “And it didn’t work?” “Hell, no it didn’t work… look at me. She beat the shit outta me.” Jack says “I just don’t understand…Let’s hear your poem.” Leroy replies: “Nappy hair, nappy hair eyes like a frog Bend over, bitch, I wanna fuck you like a dog.”
Republicans announced today that they are changing their emblem from the
elephant to a condom as it more clearly reflects the party’s political
stance.
The condom stands up to inflation, halts production, discourages
cooperation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives one a sense of security
while screwing others.
yo mama’s so fat, when the cashier at KFC asked her what size bucket of chicken she wanted, she said the one on the roof.
A solution to all of your drinking troublesSymptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.Fault: Glass is empty.Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.Symptom: Feet cold and wet.Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.Symptom: Feet warm and wet.Fault: Loss of self-control.Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog – After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.Symptom: Bar blurred.Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.Symptom: Bar swaying.Fault: Air turbulence unusually high – maybe due to darts match in progress.Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.Symptom: Bar moving.Fault: You are being carried out.Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar – if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.Fault: You have fallen over backwards.Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.Fault: You have fallen over forwards.Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time – if not treat yourself to a lie in.Symptom: Everything has gone dim.Fault: The pub is closing.Solution: Panic.
Just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean they are not out to get you.
You’re a redneck if …. Your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever
read.
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big city church.
“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.
“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.
“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
“Pew,” Charlie retorted.
“Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest.
1.Tell the widow that the deceased’s last wish was a Viking S&M session
2.Tell the undertaker that he can’t close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
3.Punch the body and tell people he hit you first.
4.Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
5.At the cemetary, play taps on a kazoo.
6.Walk around telling people that you’ve seen the will and they’re not in it.
7. Ask the widow to give you an enema.
8.Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask him if he can sneak him into the coffin.
11.Place a golf ball into the mouth of the deceased….. PAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12.Slip a whoopee cushion under the deceased.
13.Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.
15.Urge the widow to give the deceased’s wooden leg to someone poor who can’t afford firewood.
16.Use the deceased’s tongue to lick a stamp.
Why do Canadians always do it doggie-style?
So they can both watch the hockey game.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci