Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn’t cover her
Author: admin
God becomes Catholoc
Two Jewish men are sitting in a cafe. One asks, “So what’s new?” The second replies, “My son — my pride and joy — has decided to become a Catholic.” The first replies, “Funny you should mention it — ten years ago my son did exactly the same thing!”So they decide to go to the synagogue and talk with the Rabbi. THey tell the Rabbi their plight, and the Rabbi says, “Funny you should mention it. 25 years ago, my son did the same thing. As you can see, it did not change my faith.”So they decide to pray. Halfway through the first prayer, the first man blurts out, “Dear G-d! My son has left the faith and become a Catholic!” And a big booming voice from above says, “Funny you should mention it ….”
HUMOR New 1-Liners
A few choice 1-Liners. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?I intend to live forever – so far, so goodFor Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterolI couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.Depression is merely anger without enthusiasmEagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet enginesEarly bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheeseI’m not cheap, but I am on special this weekWhy do psychics have to ask you for your name?I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we metI love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravyIf you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 StatesQuantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people haveTelevangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder …24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?What happens if you get scared half to death twice?Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!OK, so what’s the speed of dark?Black holes are where God divided by zero.All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
What is mass confusion in
What is mass confusion in Harlem?
Father’s Day.
Witness to an Accide
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?” The witness: “Yes, sir.” The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?” The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.” The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?” The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”
Yo mama’s So Stupid
Yo’ mama so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out!
You must be hungry
Waitress: Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary.
Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can’t Rumania long, either. Venice lunch ready?
Waitress: I’ll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havre? Aix?
Gent: You want Tibet? I prefer Turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on the Gaza bit?
Waitress: Odessa laugh! Alaska, but listen for her Wales.
Gent: I’m not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.
Waitress: Don’t you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I’m only here to
Serbia.
Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me. There’s an
Eire. I hope he’ll Kenya. I don’t Bolivia know who I am!
Waitress: Canada noise! I don’t Caribbean. You sure Ararat!
Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What’s got India? D’you think this arguing Alps
business? Why be so Chile? Be Nice!
Waitress: Don’t Kiev me that Boulogne! Alemain do! Spain in the neck. Pay
your Czech and don’t Kuwait. Ayssinia!
Gent (to himself): I’ll come back with my France and Taiwan on Zanzibar is
open.
Mohandas Gandhi’s Nicknames
Mohandas Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even
when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite
thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad
breath. Therefore he came to be known as a “Super calloused fragile mystic
plagued with halitosis.”
Unfaithful Wives
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and
they weren’t mine.”
His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber,
the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
Paddy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his
friends look at him with utter disbelief.
“No, I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
Dream job
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The programmer said, “In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit’s package.”
The HR Person said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company Corvette leased every 2 years?”
The programmer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you kidding?”
The HR Person replied, “Certainly, …but you started it.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Una pareja de novios est�
Una pareja de novios est� en casa de la novia acarici�ndose y bes�ndose, y de pronto el chico, emocionado, se saca su “cosa”.
Repentinamente llega el padre de la chica y a nuestro amigo no le da tiempo de guardarse su “cosa” y decide tirarse en el piso como si estuviera buscando algo. El suegro, intrigado por la extra�a posici�n del chico le pregunta:
“�Qu� co�o est�s haciendo?”
“�Es que vi a un rat�n que acaba de cruzar por aqu�!”
“�Pero t� est�s busc�ndolo para matarlo o para cog�rtelo?”