A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape. He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on. Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female. The lawyer turned to the ranger and asked “Why did you shoot the female? – it was the male that ate my friend” So the Ranger replies “Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?”
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Leaf
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”
Ripoff Vet Bills
A man is walking his dog when the dog suddenly drops dead. He rushes the dog to the vet and says, “Doc, you have to help my dog. He has been with me for 15 years and is so special to me!”
The vet examines the dog and tells the owner that his dog is dead.
“I want a second opinion!”
So the vet goes in the back and brings out a labrador retriever.
The labrador jumps up on the table and starts licking the dog. There is no movement.
The vet says, “Your dog is dead.”
“I want a third opinion!”
The vet goes in the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts scratching and mauling the dog. Still the dog doesn’t move.
The man says, “Doc, I guess you are right. How much do I owe you?”
“Four hundred eighty dollars.”
“Four hundred eighty dollars! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!”
“No, that’s only eighty dollars. The other four hundred is for the lab work and a cat scan!”
Secret Sauerkraut
A doctor started having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby over there. ‘But, how will you know when our baby is born?’ she asked. ‘Well,’ he said, ‘after you’ve had the baby, just send me a postcard and write ‘sauerkraut’ on the back.’ Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany. Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at his office. ‘Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today,’ she explained. ‘I don’t understand what it means!’ ‘Just wait until I get home and I’ll read it,’ he replied. Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his postcard, which said: ‘Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut, Sauerkraut: Two with wieners, One without!’
Ya mamma
ya mamma so fat every time she turns around its her birthday
Q: How many cats
Q: How many cats does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one. As long as she can get under your feet and trip you up while you’re changing it.
Pepillo ten�a hongos en los
Pepillo ten�a hongos en los pies y un amigo le dijo que �l sab�a como quit�rselos; s�lo ten�a que ir a cuatro casas y tocar, y cuando le preguntaran “�qui�n es?” decirles “hongos en los pies” y as� los hongos se les pasar�an a los que viv�an en esas casas y se le quitar�an a �l.
As� que Pepillo va a la primera casa y toca y cuando preguntan “�qui�n es?” responde “hongos en los pies” y sale corriendo a madres. Luego va a su segunda casa y toca y preguntan “�qui�n es?” “hongos en los pies” y as� hasta completar las cuatro. Y cuando ya est� de regreso en su casa se quita el zapato y el calcet�n y ve que ya no tiene hongos en los pies.
En eso tocan a la puerta de su casa y pensando que le puedan hacer lo mismo, dice: “�Qu� rollo?”
Y le responden: “Almorranas en el hoyo.”
Nice Car!
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly!
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that!”
Mother on the Phone
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:”Yes, mother, I’ve had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult – I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.”Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.”You were perfectly right.”You want to speak with her? All right.” He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:”Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!”
Rodney Dangerfield’s Best One-Liners!
RODNEY DANGERFIELD’S BEST ONE-LINERS
I was so poor growing up…If I wasn’t born a boy..I’d have nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said ….”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work … I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?”
He said, “Because you came home early.”
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I’m afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid…When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby…My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I’m so ugly…My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born …. the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could… But he pulled through.”
I’m so ugly … My mother had morning sickness – after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost….. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him …. “Do you think we’ll ever find them?”
He said, “I don’t know kid … there are so many places they can hide.”
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I’m so ugly…I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get.
I went to see my doctor “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” he said…”I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Government worker
Kowalski worked for the Department of Transportation. One day he woke up ill, with a touch of laryngitis-but-being a dedicated employee he went to work. The boss felt rather sorry for him and didn’t want him to do any physical labour-as they were repairing a part of the freeway.
“Kowalski” he says “why don’t you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction”
Kowalski is glad for the easy day: He stops the first vehicle:
“Sir” he whispers, his throat feeling worse “please slow down, there’s a Government crew up ahead”
“Okay” the guy whispers back “I’ll try not to wake them”
The Department of Motor Vehicles
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks, and insane regulations, at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.I brought my selection – a baseball bat – to the cash register. ‘Cash or charge?’ the clerk asked.’Cash,’ I snapped. Then realizing that my pent-up frustrations had just leaked out, I apologized for my rudeness, and explained: ‘I’ve spent the afternoon at the Department of Motor Vehicles.”Shall I giftwrap the bat?’ the clerk asked sweetly. ‘Or are you going back there?’