1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.6. The glass in windows – even double pane – cannot stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.9. A young child can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.10. Small Legos will successfully pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.11. “Play-Doh” and “microwave” should never be used in the same sentence.12. Super glue is permanent.13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can’t walk on water.14. VCRs will not spontaneously eject PB&J sandwiches15. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.16. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.17. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.18. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not taste or smell better baked.19. The spin cycle on the washing machine does make earthworms squirm.20. Making a cat dizzy will cause it to spit up twice its body weight.
Author: admin
Painting in the nude.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?”, calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.
“Nice butt, sister,” says the man, “where do you want these blinds?”
What
yek roz yek agha mire doktor baraie dandanesh mige doktor mige danadane asia va america kharabe aghaie mige velesh kon europa va africa che khabar
Make a Sentence
Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen
by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She
gave him the words ‘defeat’, ‘deduct’, ‘defence’ and ‘detail’. Jack stood
seriously for awhile with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply.
“Defeat of Deduct went over defence before detail!”
Dogs and husbands
Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Military Retirement
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered
an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired
straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every
inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the
general’s body, with the general getting to select any pair of
points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the
pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of
his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the
tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked
out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where
to measure, he told the pension man … “From the tip of my
penis to the bottom of my testicles.” The pension man suggested
that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider,
pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had
received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that
would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to
do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the
pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of
the general’s penis and began to work back. “My God!” he said.
“Where are your testicles?” The general replied, “In Vietnam.”
Old actors
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Engineer in hell
One day an engineer died and went to hell. He made all of these wonderful things like fans, escalators, and other great stuff. One day God saw all of the stuff down in hell and said ,”Devil, where the hell did you get those things?” The devil said, “We have an engineer down here and he made all of this stuff and you can’t do a thing about it!” God screamed, “Oh yeah?! Well I’ll sue!”The devil said “Go ahead, but where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
Genie at the Bar
One night a guy walked into a bar and sat down next to this guy. He looks over and sees that he has a little piano player playing beautiful music! He asks “where did you get that?” The other guy replies “See that guy at the end of the bar? He’s a geinie, and he’ll grant you a wish!” So the guy calls over to the geinie for a thousand bucks. POOF! All of a sudden a thousand DUCKS flew into the bar. So the guy says to the other guy with the little piano player “I think he has a hearing problem” The guy exclaimed “Do you think I asked for a 12-inch PIANIST?!?”
Blonde Braincells
How do blonde’s braincells die??
-Alone-
How do you know whether
How do you know whether a limousine is owned by a Jew?
He’s got a pay phone at the back.
The Bush Joke
What are you called if you are paid to kill president Bush.
A Bush Wacker.