This man went into a night-club and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by her self at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said “Your really smell terrific. What’s that you have on?” The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, “You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?””Well, I’ve got a hard on, but I didn’t think you could smell it,” the guy replied.
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Knock KnockWho’s there?Sam!Sam who?Sam day
Knock KnockWho’s there?Sam!Sam who?Sam day you’ll recognise me!
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?A: A noose.
Clinton one-liner
There was a line in George’s speech where he said I raised taxes one time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute.
Warm Sermon
On my first Sunday at a new church a woman came out, shook my had and declared that I had preached a “Very warm sermon.”
I thanked her.
The next week, “You preached a warm sermon today,” she declared.
Again I thanked her, feeling very proud.
The same thing the third week, and the fourth, and the fifth.
On the sixth week she declared it to be a “Warm sermon” again and I said, “By the way, when you say I preache a warm sermon, what do you mean?
“Not so hot.” and she walked off
Fly Buzzing
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde’s head?
A: A Space Invader.
Dilberted…
- Dilberted
- To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences
of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted
again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”
Knowledge
What does the N on the Nebraska football helmet stand for?
“Knowledge.”
Night Before the Finals
T’was the night before finals, And all through the college, The students were praying For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds, While visions of essays Danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor Would get their brains thinking.
In my own apartment, I had been pacing, Dreading all those exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, His nose in his books, And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot, No longer caring That my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were all muddy, My eyes went a’blur, I just couldn’t study. “Some pizza might help,” I said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver. I’d pretty much concluded Life is unfair and cruel, Since our futures all depend On grades made in school. When all of a sudden, Our door opened wide, And Patron Saint Put-It-Off Ambled inside. Her spirit was careless, Her manner was mellow, She looked at the mess And started to bellow: “Why should us students Make such a fuss, About what those teachers Toss out to us?” “On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Year’s Exams! On Wingit and Slingit, And Last Minute Crams!” Her message delivered, She vanished from sight, But we heard her laughing Outside in the night. “Your teachers won’t flunk you, So just do your best. Happy Finals to All, And to All, a good test.”
The talking Cuckoo clock.
Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with “the boys.”
I told the misses that I would be home by midnight…promise!
Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o’clock. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said “Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said ‘shit,’ cuckooed another 4 times, farted, cuckooed another 3 times, cleared its throat, and cuckooed twice then giggled.”
Redneck quickies 30
You might be a redneck if…
After the divorce you still call your Ex “Cuz”.
You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.
You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.
The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
Your grandmother stands up to pee.
A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, “About what?”
You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.
Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.
In the delivery room, your husband says, “That’s worse than skinning a deer!”
You have sworn on your mother’s grave while she is standing beside you.
You refer to your cousin as “my girlfriend”.
You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.
You got your tater gun hangin’ over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.
You’ve ever entered yourself in a “Howdy Doody Look-alike” Contest.
You go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings.
Your lips move while reading a stop sign.
One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
Your house has a kickstand.
You drive around a parking lot for fun.
Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents “Ma and Pa”.
Pop quiz before an election…
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.
Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with an astrologist. He’s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C.
He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, only drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first … no peeking, then scroll down for the response.
(Scroll down)
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.