your momma is so fat she saw a yellow bus and started yelling twinkee
Author: admin
You might be a redneck if… bowling
You’ve ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley.
Jesus and His Father
Jesus was taking his turn at the Pearly Gates. Looking along the queue of people waiting to enter he spotted an old man who looked familiar. When the old man got to the front of the queue Jesus was sure that he recognized him.
“Occupation?” said Jesus.
“Carpenter.” replied the old man.
“Err. Did you have a son who appeared under amazing circumstances?” asked Jesus.
“Why yes!” said the old man.
Getting excited Jesus asked “Did your son have holes in his hands and feet?”
“That’s right.”, said the old man, “He did.”
With delight Jesus exclaimed, “Father!”
Puzzled the old man replied, “Pinochio?”
Bob
your so fat you went in the ocean and every body yelled tsuanami.
One Chicken, One Road, Many Reasons
Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good of man.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it
take.
OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha)
only that it would be a martyr.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was
threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the
newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship
with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution
strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model
(PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge,
capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology
in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best
chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation
industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their
personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to
synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering
and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework
across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a
park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was
strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and
unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core
values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken
‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free
to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
Baywatch
Q: What do the girls on Baywatch get if they run with their bra
off?
A: Two black eyes!
dead snake
What is the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyers in the road? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
the other day i went to the bar and had 5…
the other day i went to the bar and had 5 beers i went home with a 20 year old i was 17 and we had sex for 12 hours and it was great alway go for 20 yaer old men wow was it good or what!!!!!!
Monica caught
One night when Monica was leaving the White House, the Secret Service
stopped her. And do you know what they found on her…a wad of Bills (on
her blue dress).
Microsoft Love
Three women were dressing after an aerobics workout and talking about
their spouses. “My husband,” Said the first, “Is a marriage counselor. He
always buys me candy or flowers before we make love.”
“Mine is a jeweler,” The second said. “He always brings me a pearl before
we make love.”
The third woman paused…. “Well,” she finally said, “My husband works for
Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s
going to be when I get it.”
Excuses For Missing Work
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
The dog ate my car keys, So now I have to hitchhike to the vet.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into…
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
bartender:
Brunette: “I’ll have a B and C.”
Bartender:”What is a B and C?”.
Brunette: “Bourbon and Coke.”
Redhead: “And, I’ll have a G and T.”
Bartender: “What’s a G and T?”
Redhead: “Gin and tonic.”
Blonde: “I’ll have a 15.”
Bartender: “What’s a 15?”
Blonde: “7 and 7”