What does Philip Christy and Elton John have in common? They both play the skin flute!!!
Author: admin
Va una monja en un
Va una monja en un taxi, varios minutos despu�s de que se sube, el taxista le dice: “sor, si usted supiera. Todos hemos tenido fantas�as sexuales, y la m�a es hacer el amor con una monja”.
“Eso no es ning�n problema hijo, �nicamente debes cumplir tres mandamientos: ser cat�lico, soltero y nunca haber tenido relaciones sexuales.
“Hermana, yo cumplo con esos requisitos”.
El taxista se para en un terreno solitario, se pasa al asiento trasero y resuelve a la monja. Pasa al asiento delantero y va muy callado nuevamente.
Luego comienza a llorar y dice: “sor, yo le ment�: no soy cat�lico, ni soltero. Soy casado y soy jud�o, adem�s tengo relaciones sexuales diariamente. He pecado, viol� su virginidad”.
“Por favor no llores, despreoc�pate hijo, que mi nombre es Pedro y voy para una fiesta de disfraces.”
The Top 9 Ways to Prepare for the Millennium Bug
9. Sell stock in Microsoft and AOL, invest everything in shotguns and bottled water.
8. Move computer’s clock ahead now to test for co^^^NO CARRIER
7. Start writing an exquisitely obscene job-resignation letter.
6. Stockpile semen to repopulate Earth in case post-Apocalypse chicks still won’t have sex with you.
5. Open checking accounts in dozens of different banks with no more than $20 in each, and wait for a windfall.
4. Convert to Judaism, then begin worrying about the Y10K bug.
3. Party like its 1899
2. Discard toasters made before 1995 because nobody likes bread toasted for 2 minutes and 100 years.
1. Send Schwarzenegger back in time to bitch slap those lazy COBOL engineers.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]New Words
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize the money was really yours in the first place.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).
Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a totally serious bummer.
Decaflon: (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor: (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
And
The Pick of the literature: (phrase)
is
Ignoranus: A person who’s a stupid asshole.
and mine is
Prick of the litter: (phrase) The worst of a group of Ignoranuses
The Geinie and the Irishman
An Irish guy is walking along the coast when he spies a old-fashioned lamp lying on the beach. He picks it up, and in wiping the off the sand, manages to release a genie! Of course the genie grants him three wishes.For his first wish, the Irishman asks for a bottle of Guinness that never runs dry, and *poof* he’s holding a bottle. He takes a swig of some of the best Guinness he’s ever tasted! After a few more swigs he notices that sure enough, the bottle is still full. So he sits there on a rock, drinking and enjoying his magical bottle of stout.The genie, getting bored watching the Irishman drink, prompts, “You have another two wishes, you know…””Oh, that’s right!” says the Irishman. “Gimme a couple more just like this one!”
Beer Festival
After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out
for a beer.
Corona’s president sits down and says, “Se�or, I would like the world’s best
beer, a Corona.” The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to
him.
Then Budweiser’s president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world,
give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
Coors’ president says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, the only one made
with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The other brewery
presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and
the Guinness president replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither
will I.”
There was an old whore of the Azores…
There was an old whore of the Azores
Whose cunt was all covered in sores
The dogs in the street
Used to lick the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers
Puzzle
Q: Why did the blonde date hunters?
A: Because she heard they go deep into the bush, always
Shoot twice, love to mount their prey and always eat what they shoot.
Sellik fans
Q: What would you call 2 Sellik fans going over a cliff in a green Renualt
Espace?
A: A complete waste of space. You could have squeezed 8 of them into
one of those.
Deer Guts
Two guys went hunting. The one guy went over to a stump to take a crap. He falls asleep while doing his buisness, and the other guy shoots and guts his deer. For a joke he puts the deer guts under his sleeping buddy. He walks away. Later he comes back just as the guy is pulling his pants back up. He asked him if anything exciting happened and the guy said, “I shit out my intestines so I shoved them back up my ass!”.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Jose!Jose who!Jose can
Knock KnockWho’s there?Jose!Jose who!Jose can you see…!
Monkey Smells
A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.”I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he’s going to live with us just like one of the family.He’ll eat at the same table with us. He’ll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.””But what about the smell?” the friend asked.”Oh, he’ll just have to get used to it, the same way I did.”