Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Author: admin
Elephants Jokes 4 Kids Galore
-How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a duck.
-Why did the elephant paint himself all different colors?
So he could hide in the crayon box.
-Why do elephants have wrinkles?
Because they are so hard to iron.
-Why did the elephant put skates on before he went to bed?
Because he wanted to get rolling in the morning.
-Why can’t an elephant ride a tricycle?
Because it doesn’t have a thumb to ring the bell.
-Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
So no one will recognize them.
-Why are elephants such poor dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
-What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to get a new fence.
-Why can’t elephants go swimming at the beach?
Because they can’t keep their trunks up.
Meet the Schitt Family!
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced 6 children.
Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt.
Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt marries Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt – Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.
One liners
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, “Awww, look at the dead birdie”.
The blonde stops, looks up, and says, “Where?”
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Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can’t, they have always been like that.
Q: A blonde going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.
Q: How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.
A young man is starting his first ever job…
A young man is starting his first ever job at a morgue. The boss of the
morgue thinks, “I’ll throw him in at the deep end on his first day,
give him a real challenge”. So he takes the young man to a door, and
he tells the young man, “Behind this door is a room with nothing in
it apart from a dead old woman lying completely naked on a slab. You have
to go in and inspect her body.”
“Inspect her body?” the young man asks.
“Yes”, replies the Boss, “Check if everything’s
OK”
So the young man goes through the door into the room, and the boss waits
outside. After what seems like a very long time, the young man comes out
of the room.
“Everything OK?” asks the boss.
“Yes”, answers the young man, “Except one thing. She’s got
a prawn stuck up her cunt.”
“She’s got a prawn stuck up her cunt!!?”, exclaims the boss,
astonished.
“Yes”, replies the young man.
The boss decides he has to go and check this. So he goes into the room,
and the young man waits outside. The boss quickly returns, and the young
man says, “See, I told you”.
“That’s not a prawn, that’s her clittoris!”, explains the
boss.
“Well, it tasted like a prawn”, answers the young man.
Time wounds all heals.
Time wounds all heals.
We’ve been robbed!
A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything.
A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, “We’re ruined, all the money’s gone and there’s no flour for bread!”
His daughter says, “No, papa, I hid the money in my you-know-what.”
The farmer said, “You’re a good girl, but if your mamma was here –
she could have saved the sack of flour as well!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Howard!Howard who?Howard can
Knock KnockWho’s there?Howard!Howard who?Howard can it be to guess a Knock Knockjoke?
An IBM acronym
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
Message to Mom
This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, “I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.”
The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies “But I don’t have any money…. and I *must* get a message to her, it’s urgent!… I’ll do anything to get a message to her.”
The clerk replies “Anything?”
“Yes…. ANYTHING!” replies the blonde.
He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. “Unzip me…”
She does.
“Take it out….. go ahead.”
She does this as well.
She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says “Well… go ahead.. do it..”
She brings her lips close to it and shouts “Hello?…. Mom?”
Talk is cheap until you
Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.
Fun with telemarketers
What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me
(and I’m sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be
interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such
occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was
from AT&T, and it went something like this:
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T….
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T….
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T….
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my
surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T….
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T….
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Salem.
Me: Well, whatever it is, I’m really not interested, but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express
yourself any plainer than by saying “I’m really not interested”, but this lady
was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 10 cents a minute, but
she at no time used the word “rate”. I could clearly see that it was time to
whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little
excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That’s right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That’s amazing!! AT&T: We think
so!
Me: That’s quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the
end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a
cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week,
365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per
year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a
minute.
Me: Wait a minute here! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute? Are
you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but….
Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents
a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal
telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you
know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for….
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!? AT&T: Sir, I
don’t think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.
So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat
while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I
have a mouth full of food…….
Supervisor: Mr. Salem?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute
program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)
Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress
my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I
could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was
helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end
this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the
other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for
our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have
enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little
brother………
AT&T: (click)
Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them
options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to
speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ….. Click…………
Or My Other Favorite… Are you single? Click…………