Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.
Author: admin
Carl Givens
Three midgets walk into a library. The first one claims that he has the smallest hands in the world. The second claims that he has the smallest feet in the world. The third claims that his penis is the smallest in the world.
So each one checks the Guiness Book of World Records. The first comes back and is happy: “I have the smallest hands in the world.” The second comes back and is also happy: “I have the smallest feet in the world.” The third midget comes back and is pissed: “Who’s Carl Givens?”
Ten�a que asistir el Papa
Ten�a que asistir el Papa en Florencia a un congreso muy importante. Le dice a su chofer, “Vamos que tenemos que estar en Florencia en una hora.” Se sube en el coche, atr�s claro, y corre las cortinillas de las ventanas del veh�culo para pasar inadvertido…
Van por la autopista y el chofer se siente indispuesto, le dol�a mucho el est�mago y no pod�a conducir. Se paran en el lateral y pasa el chofer atr�s y el Papa a conducir porque no ten�an tiempo de esperar una ambulancia.
El Papa mira la hora… Faltan 15 minutos y estoy a 50 Km….empieza a acelerar 140 Km/h…. 150, 180, 200… Unos policias en moto les ven pasar… les siguen, les paran en el arc�n, se pone un policia delante y otro detr�s, se bajan y se acerca uno a la ventanilla del conductor del coche…
“No sabe usted que circulaba a…”, se da cuenta que es el papa, suelta el bol�grafo y la libreta de multas r�pidamente, se cuadra, “A sus �rdenes, disculpe…”, para el tr�fico, deja que el Papa se vaya… y cuando se acerca al otro polic�a, el segundo le pregunta,” �Qui�n era que te has cuadrado y no le has multado?
Y contesta “Al de detr�s no le he visto porque llevaba las cortinillas cerradas, �PERO TEN�A QUE SER DIOS PORQUE EL QUE CONDUC�A ERA EL PAPA!”
Famous psychic recently predict for Monica Lewinsk
What did a famous psychic recently predict for Monica Lewinsky?
You will go down in history.
Cats
What is a cat?
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They’re totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They’re moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They’re tiny little women in cheap fur coats.
Cool dude
what do you get when you have sex
a stiffe
Have you heard the one
Have you heard the one about the . . . .
. . . colored man who saw his girlfriend in a sack dress and said, “Honey,
is you in fashion or is you in trouble.”
“�Mam�, como nac� yo?”
“�Mam�, como nac� yo?”
“Bueno, mira, tom� una caja de zapatos vac�a, coloqu� dentro una semillita y al cabo de nueve meses te tuve a ti”.
La ni�a toma una caja de zapatos, se consigue una semilla en el jard�n, la coloca dentro, la cierra y la pone en la parte de arriba del armario. Pasa un mes, dos, cuatro, siete, la chiquilla no puede aguantar la curiosidad y abre la caja: dentro hab�a una cucaracha.
“�Mira, si no fueras mi hija, te aplastaba!”
Ways to add confusion to dining halls
by Robert ChenYou should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.21. When they’re not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show contents to everyone and say, “This apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try some.”22. Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably. Stop suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours while giving everyone an evil eye.23. Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain, weightlift them.24. Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down.25. During the meal, yell out, “Oh my gosh! It’s still alive!” Grab your knife and start hacking at the meat.26. Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When you’re in the dining hall, stuff them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the dining hall, but on the way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food.27. Practice singing.28. Randomly stop people from eating and try to convince them that their food is poisoned.29. Bring insects and small rodents. Release.30. Dress in a toga. After getting your food, find a comfortable place to recline. Throw your utensils on the floor and start eating Romanically. Explain how you never should have trusted that Brutus guy.
Oldies Need Ironing
Nancy & Betty, and Jim & Tom were in the old people’s home.
Nancy & Betty thought Jim & Tom weren’t getting enough excitement so they decided to run naked past Jim & Tom’s room. Later that night they did just that.
Jim looked at Tom and said, “Did you see that? What were Nancy & Betty wearing?”
“I don’t know, but whatever it was, it sure needed ironing.”
The Blind Date
Things a Guy Doesn’t want to hear his blind date say:I’m glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out of prison and I really didn’t want to be alone.Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test results are in.Before we go out we have to get the rules straight.Don’t worry, I’ve got the training sessions cut down to an hour if you’re a good boy and pay attention.That’s odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just happen?This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issue’s in my past lives. By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary?Turn here! That looks like my husbands car ahead.You look surprised. Didn’t you know I was a male impersonator.I’m sorry, something came up and I can’t make it, but I’ve arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before?
A tribute to Bill Clinton to the tune of “Can
Twas a night during crisis and
Bill’s feelin’ a bit ill,
He hopes Congress will swallow all his B.S.
He gave them their fill.
Ken Starr has informed
every person on earth…
We know it all,
except his legnth and his girth.
We really don’t care
about all the sexual facts,
We’re more concerned
with the dignity he lacks.
We want a President
we know we can trust,
Not one that we think of
and hope they will bust.
We know Whitewater
was impossible to prosecute…
All the witnesses are gone,
There’s no one left to shoot.
Our country is hangin’
out there by a thread,
Seems Ole’ Bill
also has China in bed!
Now, some say Linda
was a back-biting pal,
But, Monica knows
this information is foul.
For she is alive to relate all the facts
REMEMBER…
witnesses usually lay in graves,
on their backs.
“It’s all a coincidence”
so many should die,
Or is the coincidence
so many WOULDN’T LIE?
40,000,000….they yell
for this screwy mess?
Not much to pay to save
Our Country…NO LESS!!
Bases are closed
leaving us defenseless,
Doesn’t anyone think that
this is plain Senseless?
“Economy’s good”….
many do scream,
I’ve got my SSI check,
that was my Big dream!
“Economy’s Great”!!!
My pockets are full.
But the guy workin’ 2 jobs
knows this is pure BULL!!
Babies are killed
when they’re half way born,
the states are all flooded
with drugs and with porn.
Metal detectors
we find in our schools
and there is no respect
for any of the rules.
But its okay to dodge the draft,
don’t inhale, lie under oath,
twist the facts to fit your ways
Follow Slick Willie, HE NEVER PAYS!!!!
He uses our laws
to do as he will,
Laws are for common folks,
not for Slick Bill!
Go Ahead,
watch “Friends” on TV,
don’t get involved…..
since you really can’t see.
Just sit there and complain
about Kenneth Starr,
over a drink
at your favorite bar.
Get it all over with,
My heads in the sand,
Bill’s a Great Guy,
I think he’s just GRAND!!
Excuse the Scoundrel that
will bury us all
But, don’t complain to me,
if the country does fall.
Sorry Buddy, is our reply,
We love this country
and Bill’s BOLOGNA
just DON’T FLY!!!
Now, on the real issues
Bill’s covered every track.
Hillary’s made sure to
give him no slack.
But, Starr is confident…
in every way,
’cause when Slick Willie is horny
he just has to play!
Slick Willie is careless
when Little Willie wants out,
He’ll call Monica
She’ll come….No doubt!!
She’ll even bring Pizza
and we can party in here,
Everyone will keep quiet,
My henchmen are near!
And Willie was sloppy
as we all know,
He let it all hang-out
Woops….There it goes!!!
Subpoenas are issued
and Starr’s smiling big,
The country’s big chance
To throw out this pig.
We hope its not too late
to bring the jerk down,
And rebuild the country….
On solid good ground.